Having self compassion, compassion for you, used to sound insane to me. It sounded a lot like “Love yourself.” What does that even mean? I don’t need self compassion! I need to kick myself in the ass and just get it together! That’s what I told myself for years.
But let’s think about that.
If you had a child, and you were acting out of your healthy inner adult, you would show love to that child, wouldn’t you? Let’s imagine that child said, “I can build a building out of these Legos!” What would you say?
a.) “Are you sure you can do that? I’m not sure that you have all of the legos you need for that – and you’re really not that good at building.”
b.) “Of course you are! You’ve got this – you’re going to build the best lego building in the whole world!”
Well, most of us would opt for the second option. (If you would honestly go for the first option, you need to think about whether you’re actually acting out of your inner adult – who are you trying to protect? Are you projecting something?). Back to the example, though – most people would say that they want to build the child’s confidence –would want him to shoot for the stars.
Why can’t you do that for yourself?
Let’s imagine another scenario: It’s the first day of school, and your young child has gotten all dressed for school, has her backpack ready and suddenly gets a wave of fear as they wait for the bus – they turn and ask you – what if nobody likes me? What if I don’t know what to do? I want to go home, she says. How would you respond?
a.) Actually, you’re right – school is awfully hard and scary – I’m not sure you can do this. You aren’t so good at meeting people and you’re not very likeable. You have to go, but it probably isn’t going to go well.
b.) Yeah, good idea. Stay home and hide in your room – maybe you can start school next year.
c.) I know this is scary, but you are strong and you can do this. I think you’re the best, so no matter what happens, you’ll be ok.
How would the first two statements affect the child? Can you imagine what kind of damage this would do to a young child (or even an older child or an adult)? Would you say this to anybody else in your life? Would you say these things to yourself?
Imagine this now. Let’s say you have a big job interview, and you are feeling good about it – you have a great outfit, you’ve studied up on the company and you’re ready for the big day. As you’re getting into your car though, you start doubting yourself – you say to yourself,
a.) Wait a minute, are you sure you can do this? I’m not sure you have all the right skills for the job – you probably won’t get this job. Just go, but keep your hopes down. Things likely won’t go well.
b.) Cancel the interview – you can stay home and play video games. I’m sure I’ll be able to find a job next week.
c.) I know this is scary, but you are strong and you can do this. I think you’re the best, so no matter what happens, you’ll be ok.
When it comes to talking to yourself, I’m guessing that you probably do opt for either the first or second answer more often than not. Why? Don’t you deserve the same confidence boosting as practically any kid you would talk to? You do. You deserve the same love and the same support that you would offer your young child or your teenager or your friend.
Sure, the kid might end up in tears and disappointed when his Legos fall over or come home sad from the first day of school, feeling like things didn’t go well. And you might not land that job. It’s easy to look at the child and say that everything will be ok – we have the perspective to know that life goes on, but when the obstacle is about us in our present lives, it can feel overwhelming and we can choose to beat ourselves up. Just like the kid can survive the discomfort, you can survive the discomfort also. And the fact remains that you are strong –you are amazing – you can do hard things!
I realize that I don’t know you, or even if I do, I don’t know the situation you are in right now that is making you doubt yourself. Think about this – I don’t care what kid comes across my path, I wouldn’t interrogate them. I would give them the benefit of the doubt and see their potential. You are no different – you deserve the benefit of the doubt; you deserve love.
Question: How do you talk to yourself? Are you kind to yourself or are you more likely to beat yourself up?
Exercise: Each day, write down three kind things that you’d like to say to yourself.
