Have you ever felt like you were striving just to be accepted by a particular person?  Maybe you thought if you called them more often, or bought them more gifts, or succeeded in life just a little better, or in some way became what it is they seemed to want you to be, then maybe they would accept you.  They would embrace you.  Like you.  Even love you.  So you tried and you struggled.  You worked on yourself relentlessly, and the complaints kept coming.  There always seemed to be a new reason for them to be disappointed, upset, angry with you.  Yet you kept chasing that elusive love. 

Here’s the secret – it actually isn’t even about you.  I know that there is nearly impossible to believe.  I mean they might be telling you that they are upset with you for a very specific action.  They might be telling you that you have ruined their lives.  They might be telling you every bad trait that you have.  But it actually isn’t about you, it’s about them.  They don’t even realize it.  But you can chase your tail and work on yourself and it will never, ever, ever succeed.  Until they choose to look inward.

 This is a very difficult concept to accept.  After all, when people are telling you that you are actually and most definitely the problem and that you need to change before you can be loved, liked, accepted, then it seems pretty obvious that you have some work to do.  And maybe you do.  Sure, I mean, don’t we all?  So, take a look inside and do the work that you need to do.  Examine your own heart and if there is something that you need to change, then, by all means, do that.  But you can’t heal what is in their heart by healing yourself.  

Imagine that you go to the eye doctor for a regular check up and during your visit, the doctor begins to measure your vision, and he is appalled at how much your vision has changed.  He asks you what you are doing differently – did you start drinking more, smoking more?  Are you straining your eyes too much?  He says that , not only do you need very intense glasses, but you need a whole variety of treatments, possibly including surgery to correct the vast number of things that are wrong with your eyes.  You panic and ask for a list.  You buy the intense glasses, you put the eyedrops in, you do all that is recommended, after all, you are being told that you have a lot to fix.  All along, you have the nagging sensation that your eyes were alright to begin with, perhaps a little nearsighted, perhaps a bit farsighted – sure, you could use some reading glasses.  But you are doing so many expensive, invasive treatments – treatments that don’t seem to be helping.  In fact, they seem to be making you worse – more uncomfortable, more stressed, and your eyes have begun to hurt.  You go back to the doctor repeatedly, and he confirms that indeed it is true, you are a hot mess.  You have a lot of work to do before you can be considered to be healed. 

You struggle this way for years.   One day, you go back for an appointment and you find that the eye doctor is no longer there.  That doctor has been replaced by a new doctor.  The new doctor looks at your chart, reviews all of the procedures and medications you have been prescribed… give them the long laundry list of medications and treatments and lenses you are using to try and fix your eyes.  The doctor then looks at your chart again and examines your eyes.  This doctor reports that your eyes have been healthy – that they seemingly have been healthy since the beginning.  In fact, your eyes have been quite remarkably healthy all of your life.  The doctor asks you to stop the struggle.  You argue and resist – saying that you are certain that your eyes are terribly unhealthy.  You know it because an expert had told you, somebody you trusted to know such things.  After some more discussion, the doctor reveals to you that the eye doctor in question, the one that had been telling you all of you ailments – that doctor never cleaned his equipment, he was nearly blind and refused to correct his vision, so he had trouble accurately ascertaining the health of his patients’ eyes.  He had believed what he was telling you about your eyes, but he had actually been wrong and needing to correct his own vision prior to trying to diagnose others.  Perhaps all of his patients left his office with a laundry list of things that were wrong with them. Some believed him, some sought a second opinion, and some simply knew he was wrong.  It was never about your eyes, it was about his.

So, stop striving to fix things based on somebody else’s diagnosis.  Look inside and trust yourself.  Stop trying to convince others of your goodness and your lovability.  It’s sad, but not everybody is able to see clearly, and many people are guilty of diagnosing you with bad vision or unhealthiness only because they cannot see clearly themselves.  Trust in yourself and don’t agonize over what they tell you.  Get a second opinion.

Question: When has somebody mirrored back to you an incorrect diagnosis?  When have you done this to somebody else?

Exercise:  Write down three things that you believe other people think about you that is not true