As a general rule, people are motivated to keep themselves safe.  Emotionally safe, physically safe, any-other-type of safe. 

Think about that for a moment.  Whenever you are making a choice, are you more likely to take the path with more or fewer unknowns?  Are you more willing to walk down the treacherous, dark alley or the well-lit path with other people?  Now sometimes, the seemingly safe path is not the one that ends up being the best option.   

We all do and say things that we regret or that we run over and over in our heads.  We can become obsessed with the idea that we are somehow worse than other people, or that there is something wrong with us.  We hear all the old messages running through our heads, seemingly on repeat, or like a record that is stuck, skipping, repeating that same phrase over and over.  Sometimes when you find yourself in that situation, repeatedly beating yourself up for something you have done or something you have said, change the narrative.  Ask yourself how you were attempting to keep yourself safe.  Ask yourself how you were attempting to protect the 4-year-old inside.  If you can identify that your intentions were good, perhaps you can have some self-compassion.  And self-compassion is very important.  If you can’t have compassion for your adult self, try to must up some compassion for the 4-year-old inside of you.  The 4-year-old you used to be and that, in many ways, you still are.

Once you identify what your intentions are (many times, safety), then maybe you can shift into In starting to think about a healthier way of keeping yourself safe. 

And…..might other people be doing the same thing?  Even when it doesn’t look overtly like safety – I mean, people feel safe in the weirdest ways, and, even more so, people’s attempts to keep themselves safe are sometimes just that – attempts.  Just because somebody is trying to keep themselves safe by saying or doing a certain thing, that does not mean that they are executing it well or succeeding in any way at all. 

But knowing this, knowing that people need to feel safe and will oftentimes prioritize both physical and emotional safety over almost anything else, does your view of other’s actions change at all?  Can you see people differently or more compassionately?  Sure, you will struggle to get it sometimes.  You will oftentimes be baffled.  But think about this – what insane ways do you use to keep yourself safe – do they work?  Can you see all of the ways you try to do this seemingly innocuous task?  Can you see how your actions might inadvertently hurt other people? 

When you are arguing with somebody and you stop yourself to alert yourself to the fact that you are both just keeping yourself safe, can you change the narrative?  Is it something your opponent for the moment can readily admit or discuss? Can you readily admit and/or discuss it?  Does that feel too risky? 

This does NOT mean that you should forgive any and all issues because everybody is well-intentioned in that they are just protecting themselves.  There are limits to how we go about achieving safety for ourselves.  The sky is definitely not the limit with that.  But what it does mean is that we can sometimes have compassion and offer both other people and ourselves some grace. 

One thing is certain — it is definitely your job to keep yourself safe.  It is most definitely your job to protect yourself, even when you still have other people in your life that love you dearly – even if you are still a kid, your number one protector is yourself.  Only you know what you need to stay safe.  Picture yourself as you were at 4 years old – did you not need to feel safe and protected?  Did you not deserve to be safe and protected?  You absolutely did.  You needed it and you deserved it.  I think it’s easy to buy protecting a 4-year-old child.  As we grow, though, we seem to lose compassion for ourselves.  We seem to think we need punishment more than love.  Think of your inner core as the 4-year-old version of you.  Sometimes you need to sit with that 4-year-old and just love that person.  

Question: How do you keep yourself safe?  Name one person in your life and try to imagine if you can see how their sometimes inexplicable behavior might, in fact, be explainable when viewed through the lens of them trying to keep themselves safe.