If somebody is doing something that feels hurtful or bad, the first thing to check out is whether you are doing some kind of projection onto them. And I know that feels awful to say/hear/admit. But it’s ok. Everybody does it. It doesn’t make you bad. Admitting that you are projecting is actually the first step toward healing yourself and accepting yourself.
Let’s just say you read an email from a friend (or even not a friend) and it angers you (i.e., triggers you), stop for a moment and be curious — what is that anger about? Might you have been reading into the words that were written? Perhaps assigning a tone to the words? Yes, you might know this person, but the tone gets assigned by you. No matter how well you know the person, you are doing some level of projection in reading the words.
And you have a choice. When you are interpreting words, you are making up a story in your head about why the words were written, what they might mean, why the person might have chosen to say them to you. You can choose a good story or a bad story. And you won’t know the truth unless you seek clarity – sometimes you will never know the truth. But choose to read the words in a gracious way. Sometimes you will misunderstand, and that’s ok. Try again the next time. Sometimes you will underestimate somebody’s vitriol and sometimes you will overestimate it.
Underestimating someone’s vitriol can feel risky and unsafe – what if you are trusting someone that actually does have bad intentions? Might you get hurt by trusting somebody that didn’t mean well? Yes, you might OR you might bring the tiniest bit of love into their lives. Overestimating someone’s vitriol might seem safer – you are defending yourself – but it’s not safe either. Overestimating someone’s vitriol hurts both of you and prevents connection.
Here’s an example: you receive an email that says:
“Hey friend – what are you up to? I’ve been thinking a lot about you. I know things have been rough and I wanted to check in to see if I can do anything for you. Also, don’t forget that you still owe me that $100, so when you get the chance will you send that to me please? If you need anything, let me know!”
Overestimating vitriol: “Wow, they really want to rub in that things are going better for them than they are for me. I know her life is great – i get it. She doesn’t really care about me – she just wanted her money. Why would she ask for money when she already knows I’m having a rough time. I’m not going to respond – she doesn’t deserve it. I don’t need people like that in my life – and she’ll get her money when she gets her money.”
How does this protect you? What damage does it do to interpret your friend this way? Is it possible that your friend really does care about you? Is it possible that she both cares about you and she has some compelling reason to ask for the money? What’s the risk in giving her the benefit of the doubt?
