Let’s face it: some leaders think they need to know everything, bark orders, and wield complete power. But where does that land them? In a pool of fear, dysfunction, and morale so low it’s practically underground. What might not be obvious is that all of this dictatorial leadership is fueled by fear – these leaders are often just scared, even if they don’t realize it. They’re caught in a vicious cycle of fear-fueled control, and spoiler alert—it’s not working.
This isn’t just a workplace thing, either. You see it in families, churches, clubs—anywhere someone grabs the metaphorical crown. But let’s ask the obvious: is a dictator really a leader? Leadership is actually more about guiding, not dominating. It’s about showing the way, rallying the troops around a shared vision, and making them want to crush those goals.
The truth is, a lot of people stumble into leadership positions. Maybe they got promoted for sticking around the longest or got voluntold into the role. But the simple act of being in a leadership role does not magically make you a good leader. Usually you are thrust in and have to just figure it out as you go. And unfortunately, most of us learned how to lead only by watching other bad leaders, so whether we intend to or not, we’re out here copying their playbook—bad habits and all.
So how do we break the cycle? Let’s take a look at what real leadership looks like.
True Leaders Don’t Need a Cheering Section
If you’re a real leader, you’re not out there fishing for compliments or reminding everyone how important you are. You’re secure enough in yourself to know your worth doesn’t come from the title or the applause. Sure you might want to be treated differently because you’re the leader of the team, but guess what – we are all just people. Your particular role that comes with its unique responsibilities does not mean that you deserve more respect than the others.
Looking for validation stems from a root fear of not being enough. Needing praise also signifies a fear that you aren’t enough. So, recognize the fear, acknowledge the fear and then ditch it. Stop looking around for validation and approval and stop looking to be treated as more important than those around you. You’re a member of the team, you are leading the team – let that be enough. Just lead as a full team member.
Great leaders don’t hoard the spotlight or clutch their power so tightly their knuckles turn white. Quite the opposite – they’re out there celebrating the wins of others—even if that means acknowledging that sometimes those on their team will outshine them. Why? Because success isn’t a zero-sum game. If one person wins, another person doesn’t necessarily have to lose. In fact, celebrating each other’s wins will have a snowball effect – creating more wins. When the team wins, everyone wins.
And absolutely don’t think that pushing everyone around you down makes you look taller or better. It doesn’t. It just makes those around you feel smaller. And if you do choose to do this, know that every action does actually have an equal, opposite reaction, so you might want to start watching your back.
Because while they might be pretending to think you’re great, if you are pushing them down, they are likely plotting something – either an escape, a retaliation or some way to make you feel the way you’ve just made them feel. People like to make leaders think they like them, even when they don’t. So you’ll always be left wondering if your cheering section is a façade.
So stop worrying about how important you look and just lead your team toward the goal, without considering who gets the most credit or who looks the best. Keep the end goal in mind. In fact, when your team shines, you shine. It’s leadership physics. (Not that you’re interested in shining anymore.)
What this might look like in the real world is that you keep your door open, figuratively and literally, most of the time. At the end of a project, when everyone is staying late to pitch in and get the job done, you stay too. You treat your team well with a focus on helping them succeed. You’re not afraid to even let someone else take the lead now and then. It’s not all about you – it never really was. It’s about achieving a goal together.
True Leaders Say, “Talk to Me”—Not Behind My Back
Communication isn’t just top-down. It’s sideways, upside-down, and every which way. It gets a little messy. Regardless, great leaders create a space where everyone feels safe to speak their mind—good, bad, or ugly. Sure, it’s scary and yes, things might get uncomfortable – that is part of leading a great team. A team is made up of messy, fallible humans that have real emotions, troubles and goals of their own. You are a messy, fallible human with real emotions, troubles and goals of your own. So acknowledge to yourself (or others) that you are afraid of hearing the truth, and then welcome it in. Let those you are leading express themselves, just as you want to express yourself.
When you are closed off, sitting behind a glass wall or otherwise unreachable, people will still voice their concerns – they will just do it to each other, behind your back. They might even start blaming you for the drama that is happening. Be the boss that encourages all of this back-stabbing gossip to come directly toward you. You do this by letting people talk to you in a way you might have been taught it is not ok to do.
Hang up a sign on your door that says “Talk to me rather than about me.” Let them know that you can take it. You know you’re not that important or that untouchable that you won’t make mistakes. In fact, because you signed up for (or got signed up for) the role of leader with all of its responsibilities, you can bet that people will talk to (or about) you plenty. Open the door and actively encourage it.
Because your motto is “Talk TO someone, not ABOUT them” you will also not engage in talking about another person without them being present. You just simply won’t tolerate drama or gossip. If someone’s got beef, you’re not triangulating like it’s a middle school cafeteria. You will invite the person that is being discussed into the room to have the real, if perhaps difficult and uncomfortable, conversation.
Truths are less easily manipulated when everyone has to be in the same room to agree to the same version of the story.
Remember this motto:
“Talk to someone, not about them.”
True Leaders Actually Listen & Ask for More
So you’ve encouraged all of this communication, now you need to actually take it in, ingest it, and respond. Listening to people is about way more than just hearing them or letting them put their comments in a suggestion box or skimming the email that just came in from them, but not responding.
Open communication is not for the purpose of letting somebody get something off of their chest, because it really isn’t off of their chest until it’s heard, understood and addressed.
That’s what listening really is – hearing + understanding. There’s no point in listening if you have no intention of really trying to understand.
It can be scary to truly listen or try to understand because it might mean that you have to change your stance or opinion on something you’ve believed for a long time. This can feel like you’re being knocked out of your equilibrium. Acknowledge that it’s a little scary, and then do it anyway.
Rather than tell people all of the answers and wisdom that you have, seek clarity to make sure you understand what you’re being told. I realize that you think you’ve got a lot to say – you believe that people should listen to you. You’re the leader after all. But guess what – the people you are leading also feel that way – that they’ve got a lot to say, and think somebody should listen to them. Yes, even if they aren’t leaders!
So listen to them.
Sometimes people will struggle to communicate difficult topics (you probably struggle with this also) – most people haven’t exactly been encouraged to say things out loud. So when someone is attempting to communicate, really listen to them. Great leaders aren’t scared of difficult questions or even challenges. In fact, they embrace them.
You recognize complaints as opportunities in disguise. You dig into them because you know there’s often a deeper issue begging to be solved.
Listening isn’t about nodding while waiting for your turn to talk; it’s about genuinely understanding what the other person is saying (and maybe even what they’re not saying). But resist the urge to make assumptions, resist the urge to assume you know things that you can’t possibly know. Ask questions like, “How has this affected your work?” and “What’s really going on here?” Don’t assume that you know what they’re not saying – check it out. Ask them. Believe it or not you can’t read minds – so don’t waste time thinking that you can. Just simply ask them – “it sounds like you might be feeling angry – is that true?” or “It sounds like you have something to say that you’re afraid to say. Is that right?” Or anything that you might be tempted to say behind their back later, say it now. And then listen with an open mind to the answer.
Being curious is mandatory. Make the phrase “Tell me more” your favorite phrase. When somebody says something that doesn’t make sense to you, ask them to tell you more. Paraphrasing from Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, seek to understand other people first – then you get to be understood after that. Keep the focus on understanding the other person, resisting the urge to start spouting knowledge.
Listening = Hearing + Being Curious + Seeking Clarity
Listening to understand takes more time, yes. You won’t be speeding through your day doing your own isolated work and barking orders from behind your glass wall or computer screen. But being heard is truly inspiring and working with an inspired team is a game-changer. It will be worth it.
True Leaders Lead with Integrity
We hear it all the time – lead with integrity, act with integrity. But what does that really mean?
Essentially it means being consistent. Consistent within yourself – you do things in a way that you can feel proud of. You stand up for what you know is right and act out of your highest values. If honesty is one of your highest values, you tell your own self the truth. If being kind is important to you, you treat yourself kindly. And it also means consistency with those around you. So if you’re exepcting others to be honest with you, you’d better be willing to be honest with them. It’s the old adage – “Treat others the way you’d like to be treated.” Plain and simple.
Hold yourself to the same standards that you hold other people to.
Because the truth is that hypocrisy is a leadership death sentence. You can’t demand respect, collaboration, and hard work if you’re not modeling it yourself. You walk the walk and talk the talk, plain and simple. Be consistent. And that doesn’t mean being perfect. But if you don’t want to be humiliated for making mistakes and errors, it is in your best interest to not humiliate others for making mistakes or errors.
The hope is that acting consistently and with integrity will inspire those you are leading to also act this way. It’s definitely not a guarantee, but you aren’t doing it to coerce them to behave a certain way.
In fact, make this one of your mottos:
“Act with integrity whether or not those around you are also acting with integrity.”
If you notice someone doing something that is inconsistent or hypocritical, our gut instinct might be to do it back or we might think that gives us license to act the same way. As the leader, though, you have to go first. You have to model the behavior you are hoping to see in those you are leading. So, it doesn’t matter what they do. You do the right thing.
It might feel scary to put yourself out there – to hold yourself to a consistently high standard – maybe you’re afraid that you’ll be mistreated or taken advantage of in some way. Acknowledge the fear and then act with integrity anyway.
What this might look like is that you always show up to meetings on time or communicate clearly when you are going to be late. If the others attending the meetings chronically show up late, that doesn’t mean you should also start showing up late. Continue to act with integrity even as they aren’t. (Then, if the chronically late shower upper is on your team, you also might also add on a “tell me more” conversation – just a thought.)
Act with integrity – it’s not flashy, but it works.
True Leaders Are Sweepers
Have you ever seen the sport of curling? The sweepers clear the path for the stone hoping to help it hit its mark. That’s you – you are the sweeper and your team is the stone. Your job isn’t to grab the spotlight or stay high and dry on the sidelines. No – you need to be in there with your team making sure that they understand the goal and have a clear runway to achieve it.
You might be afraid that if you act in this role, you will somehow miss out on receiving the credit you deserve – it’s ok to have that fear, but then sweep anyway. Good leadership is not about taking credit or having the spotlight.
Your actual responsibility as leader is to help your team clear obstacles or leap hurdles or help them up when they’ve inevitably tripped on a hurdle. In fact, your job is to help them to shine as brightly as they can.
What this might look like is you taking on some of their mundane responsibilities as they approach a big looming deadline – perhaps they typically run an end-of-month report but this month they are working their ass off to get a big project out the door. Instead of constantly reminding them what needs to be done, you can run the report for them. (If you’re a great leader, you still remember how to do some of these basic tasks, after all.) Or maybe you bring in lunch for them to make their day a little easier. Whatever it takes to smooth the ice for their approach to the target, that is what you do.
You do it with gratitude and you do it with humility.
Sometimes that will mean rolling up your sleeves and sometimes that will mean stepping aside, but you’re ready to do what it takes to clear the way. Instead of micromanaging and playing dictator, you’re doing anything in your power to help them succeed. You celebrate their wins and turn mistakes into teachable moments. You know that success isn’t a solo act—it’s a team sport.
Your job is to make sure your team can slide smoothly to success.
At the end of the day, leadership isn’t about you. It’s about the people you are leading. You reflect the brilliance (or lack thereof) of your team. So clean off the mirror and focus on helping them. Serve them, listen to them, stay curious and make it your goal to empower them.
After all, your team’s brilliance is your legacy. When they shine, so do you. So lead with openness, curiosity, and a willingness to get uncomfortable. It’s not the easiest path, but it’s the one that builds teams that thrive, grow, and crush goals.
When I first began leading decades ago, I definitely thought that I was supposed to be all-knowing and prescriptive. I was in charge, so I’d better look powerful. I did all of the things I should not have done. I talked about people rather than to them. I looked for validation and approval. When I did ask questions, I certainly wasn’t listening to the answers. And I didn’t always act with integrity or do the right thing. When those that I was leading ran into obstacles, I was quick to blame or point the finger. Over time, my style has shifted. And this is certain: Taking the time to lead with integrity and openness rather than fear has led to far more functional team interactions, far happier customers and a more well-adjusted family. And I have come a long way in the past few decades, and I’d like to offer you a hand in getting there also.
So wherever you’re leading—whether it’s in the office or in a boardroom, at a PTA meeting or on the HOA board, and most likely your own home —remember: empower your people, and watch them surprise you. An empowered team is a happy team and a happy team is magical.
