If you ask almost anybody which is better – being selfish or being selfless – I’d be willing to bet that most would say being selfless is far preferred over being selfish. Even people who tend to be a little more on the selfish side would probably consent to the fact that being selfless, often considered the more virtuous trait, should be the goal.
I disagree.
Now I am not here to encourage you to be a selfish asshole that never thinks of others. However, I am here to assert that we all need some selfishness in our lives as much as we need selflessness. In fact, selfishness has an upside and selflessness has a downside, despite popular opinion. I would even go so far as to say that neither trait is better or worse than the other. In fact, true beauty lies in a balanced approach, made up of a blend of both selfishness and selflessness.
This might strike some as wrong, but bear with me while I explain.
Running the Bath
Let’s consider the act of running yourself a bath. You don’t want your bath to be too hot, and you don’t want your bath to be too cold – for you of course. Everybody has a different preference for that perfect bath temperature. In order to achieve your perfect balance, you will feel the water in the tub and decide if it needs more hot water or more cold water to make it water worth slipping into. (If you don’t take baths, this can apply to showers too and I’m assuming (hoping) that everybody regularly takes one or the other.)
If the water is too cold, you will need to increase the hot water or decrease the cold water. If the water is too hot, you will need to decrease the hot water or increase the cold water. No problem, right? Sometimes you’ll actually overcorrect and go from water that is too hot to water that is too cold, and vice versa. In fact, it requires repeated tuning. You might end up needing to adjust multiple times and the temperature is always correctable as long as you’re paying attention. (For the sake of this example, let’s imagine that we have a tankless water heater.)
So now consider that the hot water is selfishness and the cold water is selflessness and you are trying to create the perfect balance of taking care of yourself (selfishness) and caring for others (selflessness). Note that for the sake of this writing, I am going to use selfishness and self-interestedness interchangeably.
Circumstances change over time, needs change and there will be times in your life when you prefer or need a slightly warmer bath – maybe you’ve been out in the cold weather, and you need some additional warmth. The equivalent might be having a job that requires you to care for others for hours on end. If that is the case, you might need to increase the selfishness in your personal life to balance yourself out. Sometimes, in the bath/shower example, the opposite is true – perhaps you’ve been out working in the hot sun and a cooler bath is much more refreshing – what this might mean is that you have spent the weekend at a spa, spending long hours focusing on yourself, and you now sense that it’s time to turn your attention to caring for others.
We will all have times in our lives where we err one way or the other for long periods of time – the time tending to small children (or even aging parents) is notoriously filled with more selflessness (or should be), as they have actual needs that must be met. Even during these times, though, it is imperative to maintain as healthy of a balance as possible – caring for yourself (self-interestedness) and caring for others (selflessness). As kids grow up and start to become more independent, or elderly parents move into assisted care or pass away, you can start to shift back and increase the selfishness (or self-interestedness) for a bit while you regain your self-identity.
Finding the perfect temperature for your bath or shower is not simple, but it is worth the effort.
Now let’s take a closer look at each of these two components – selfishness and selflessness – that need to be balanced to achieve a healthy middle ground, a healthy third way.
Selfishness (Self-Interestedness): The “Me First” Mindset
Somewhere along the line, selfishness got a strongly negative connotation. Many of us were told as children to share our toys with our siblings or our friends – that we were being selfish if we didn’t want to. Telling people they are being selfish is a powerful attempt to motivate them to be more selfless. Might that be a selfish desire by the person doing the selfish-shaming? Just a thought.
Sometimes we just want an easier existence, and if we are parents, we might think that we need our children to behave in a certain way or we need them just to be quiet, so we might pull out and play the selfish card in order to maximize our chances of getting what we think we need in that moment.
Labeling our children as “selfish” though will discourage them from meeting their own needs. By discouraging that innate instinct in our kids and mis-identifying this instinct as being “selfish”, we have both given the word selfish a negative connotation and discouraged young people from taking care of their own needs.
The Piggy Bank
I remember a time when I was 4-years-old and had a friend over. His name was John and he became quite interested, too interested, in my piggy bank, trying to grab it from me. Now my piggy bank was something I really cherished and I didn’t want John to touch it, so I picked it up and held on as tight as I could. But he simply would not stop trying to grab it out of my hands, so I ran toward the stairs possibly in an attempt to find somebody who might help me. As John caught up with me at the top of the stairs, I panicked, and threw the piggy bank down the stairs to try to keep it away from John.
Now you can imagine what happened. It didn’t end well, and I lost my piggy bank for good that day as it shattered at the bottom of the stairs. Admittedly, not the best choice but I was 4. Looking at this incident objectively, I could imagine my parents telling me that I got what I deserved, that I was too selfish and I should have shared with him. (The truth is that I don’t remember what my parents actually said, so I’m not making any accusations.) But was this selfish or was this me knowing that I needed my piggy bank to be left alone? I still look back and respect 4-year-old me for trying to assert some limits, some boundaries, even as I ended up taking things too far and ruining my precious piggy bank.
Reactions to Being Called Selfish
We will react to being told that we are too selfish. Sometimes the reaction to hearing that we are acting selfishly will be that we will try to overcompensate and become more selfless, beating ourselves up vigorously along the way. (This was the route that I took.) And sometimes our reaction to being called selfish will be to rebel and become even more selfish. Rarely is the natural reaction to become perfectly healthy and well-adjusted. Regardless, in every case, it causes inner confusion – if the natural instinct to take care of our own needs or state a want is considered bad, or selfish, then who will look out for us? Will anybody? Do we even matter?
Characteristics of Selfishness (Self-Interestedness)
The most basic meaning of selfishness (self-interestedness) is putting one’s own needs ahead of the needs of others. Let’s consider some characteristics of selfishness that can be considered both good and bad, rarely one or the other.
Increased Self-Preservation
When we act in a self-interested, or selfish, way we can be working toward ensuring that our own needs are met. In general, this is a very healthy approach to life. If we can meet our own needs much of the time, then we will not need to reach out for so much help from others. Note that I am not saying that receiving help is bad, in fact, I believe very much in asking for help when needed. But when selfishness (self-interestedness) is squelched, this can create more of a helpless mentality. If we believe that advocating for ourselves is selfish, our basic needs don’t magically disappear, but only the permitted ability to advocate for them. We will then naturally look to others to pick up the slack of caring for us. This creates inner conflict and sometimes even outer conflict, as we are more likely to become angry with those around us when they fail to meet our needs. Needs that we were discouraged from meeting to begin with.
On the contrary, taking care of our own needs first, much like the classic example of putting on our own oxygen mask first before attempting to help those around us, will help ensure that we are in the best shape possible to then extend ourselves to those around us. In this way, self-interestedness, or selfishness, is very important for healthy functioning.
Of course, self-preservation can be taken too far, resulting in a singular focus on the self and a lack of empathy for others. When that happens, we witness empathy for others waning. It might even seem like these people don’t care about those around them at all.
In the 2014 movie Force Majeure, a family is together on a ski vacation when an avalanche comes crashing down the mountain. At the time that the avalanche happens, the family is in the middle of enjoying a meal at a restaurant on the slopes. What happens, though, is that the dad makes a run for it, trying to save himself and leaves his wife and two young children behind. This is a classic example of self-preservation gone too far. In the movie, this action by the father threatens the stability of the family as his wife wrestles with the apparent lack of empathy for her and their children.
Too much self-focus can also cause an over-fixation on our own problems and troubles, ironically resulting in more suffering. When this happens, and we get so wrapped up in our own internal struggles, shifting our focus back to the world around us can give us the much-needed larger perspective that can keep our personal problems from overtaking us.
When I am feeling particularly down, one of my very favorite remedies is to do something nice for somebody else. Taking the focus off of myself creates a wider awareness of the world around me, and sometimes alleviates the depressive feelings I had been experiencing as the result of too much self-focus.
Clear Boundaries
Another way that (selfishness) self-interestedness can be useful for us is that it enables us to set very clear boundaries. Thinking of ourselves allows us to be in tune with what we need. This can help us to clearly state what we need physically and emotionally. When we are unable to state (or often even know) what it is that we need, we risk sacrificing ourselves and overcommitting to others. This can create much downstream turmoil. Our needs have not magically disappeared, only our permission to meet them has vanished. This is like holding the beach ball under water. If we are ignoring our own needs and limits, in an effort to not be selfish, we are effectively trying to do something quite unnatural, like holding the beach ball under the surface of the water. It is just a matter of time before it will pop out of the water and hit somebody in the face. So the ability to set clear boundaries or limits about what it is we need is imperative to healthy functioning. And this requires some level of selfishness (self-interestedness).
However, again, this ability to set boundaries and limits can be taken too far. If the scales tip too far toward setting boundaries for ourselves, we can become rigid and closed off. As one example, maybe we’ve made the declaration that we go to bed at 9 pm no matter what and we are steadfast in honoring that bedtime. We know that we have to get up early and that sleep is of the utmost importance to our functioning well in the world. This might be a fair limit…most of the time. But what happens if our partner or child starts to experience physical symptoms that require medical attention at 9:30 pm? If we shut them out and refuse to help them because it is after 9 pm, we have become too rigid and inflexible.
Rigidity is rarely a quality that is healthy for us or those around us. Flexibility is necessary to keep us functioning well. In fact, it has been proven that if you are falling, and you stiffen, you are more likely to hurt your body than if you are able to relax. Tall order, I know, but still true.
So, while some boundaries and limits are undoubtedly healthy, others can become hurtful.
Focus on Personal Goals
Selfishness (self-interestedness) can also fuel ambition, paving the way for us to be able to achieve our goals. And this is a fabulous thing to do. If we stay focused on ourselves and what we know we are meant to do in this world, we can create amazing things. Great scientists, artists, teachers, social workers, doctors, etc., need to know what they are capable of by focusing on themselves at least to some degree or while they are doing their work at a minimum. Focusing on ourselves enables us to know ourselves and knowing ourselves can unlock our deepest meaning and purpose in life. This selfishness can therefore help us stay focused on personal goals and objectives without being distracted by external demands.
On the other hand, though, too much focus on ourselves and our goals can prevent us from noticing when we are harming others. We’ve all heard about people climbing the corporate ladder, carelessly stepping on others as they make their way to the top. This is an example of selfishness (self-interestedness) gone too far.
When personal goals become too much the focus, we can lose sight of the fact that those around us also have goals that they are trying to meet. Perhaps we will spend so much time on our own goals that we leave no room for the goals of those in our care. This can cause us to mistreat those around us, however inadvertently.
Excessive focus on our own goals can also show up as entitlement, expecting preferential treatment or benefits without necessarily earning or reciprocating them. We are in danger of becoming blind to how we show up in the world as we become more and more fixated on achieving our goals.
So I think we can see that selfishness can be healthy and it can be harmful. Left unchecked, it is highly likely that selfishness will lead us down a somewhat treacherous path. But we do need some selfishness to create a meaningful life with meaningful relationships.
Selflessness: The “You First” Approach
On the other side of the spectrum is selflessness, which involves putting others’ needs first, regardless of the impact on ourselves. Selflessness is typically lauded as a good quality. People are often praised for being selfless.
When we think of selflessness, we probably conjure up images of Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela, people who have sacrificed much for the good of others. There are also many professions that require a good measure of selflessness in order to be done well – many of these are in the medical profession, where the patients are intrinsically in need of care or in social work, where the clients are needing daily assistance.
While it’s easy for us to identify when selfishness goes too far, we can also see with some effort that even selflessness can go too far and can become harmful.
In fact, as children we are often encouraged to be selfless, to sacrifice our needs for the needs of those around us. Think about a parent asking their child to do their chores – rarely is the child permitted to push back and change the schedule on which the chores are done based on their own needs or wants. They are taught that they need to prioritize the needs of others with no regard for their own needs or wants.
My Attempts to Be Selfless
I have always longed to be selfless, even as I failed miserably at it. I would read books about people that never complained despite their circumstances, people who continued to think of and help others despite needing so much help themselves. I spent a lot of time trying to become that type of person – completely selfless. It seems I encountered many of these examples in the form of stories about Christmas. I distinctly remember reading a novella “The Bird’s Christmas Carol” by Kate Douglas Wiggin. This story was about a girl named Carol Bird – Carol, is afflicted with a life-threatening illness, yet she continues to think of others, even making it her mission to uplift the spirits of her poor neighbors one Christmas, despite her failing health. I worked very hard to become like Carol, lying in my bed at night trying to will myself to be better.
Beth March from Little Women also has a selfless nature, thinking of others even in the face of her own struggle with Scarlet Fever. And one of my biggest influences are the Whos that live in Whoville in the Christmas classic, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. I’m talking about the original cartoon classic by Dr. Seuss, released in 1966. The Grinch stole everything they had one Christmas Eve, and yet the Whos weren’t worried about themselves. They circled up, held hands and sang. I longed to be like the Whos. I tried my hardest to become like them. And, truthfully, I still strive for this today, listening to “Welcome Christmas” as motivation when I’m feeling particularly selfish or downtrodden.
It might not be a surprise to learn that I never truly became selfless. Trust me, I have beaten myself up for that failure. However, becoming perfectly selfless likely wasn’t in the cards for me – it is the rare human that can neglect their own needs completely for the sake of others. We all have needs. Not to mention the fact that my role models were fictional characters. Sure, some real people are absolutely more selfless than others but being selfless is difficult to sustain and also has the potential to create real problems.
And, importantly, while I did spend a lot of time frustrated for my continued focus on myself, I also spent quite a bit of time frustrated that the people around me weren’t also attempting to be selfless. I think I implicitly assumed that we were all trying to do this, and therefore, I was often disappointed when others weren’t thinking about me.
Other Looks at Selflessness
Having children is another time when women especially are expected to become “perfect” – completely self-sacrificing and nurturing. Spoiler alert: There is no such thing as a perfect mom and even the best attempts at being everything for your children can backfire, ultimately causing some collateral damage.
Even though selflessness is seen as virtuous and good, when we get on an airplane, the flight attendants remind us every time that we need to take care of ourselves first. Think about that. If selflessness is so perfectly wonderful, why would we be asked in an emergency situation to think of ourselves first? Because we cannot help others when we are fully depleted, or in the case of the oxygen mask, fully dead.
So at its best, selflessness is an admirable quality. But when taken too far, it can become a slippery slope leading to overextension and exhaustion, where we risk neglecting our own needs entirely. And when that happens, when we become overwhelmed and depleted, overextended and exhausted, we become intrinsically unable to help those that we were originally aiming to help through our selflessness. We have given so much that we have nothing left to sustain our own selves, much less anybody else.
Characteristics of Selflessness
Let’s take a look at some of the characteristics of selflessness that can have a nefarious opposite effect from what you might expect.
Building Strong Relationships
Selflessness can absolutely foster trust and closeness in relationships, as others feel valued and supported by our willingness to prioritize their needs. This is quite common in the world, especially at the beginning of romantic relationships or in parent/child relationships. We pour everything we have into caring for that other person, we pour everything we have into meeting their needs, often before the person even has stated a need. Over time, this becomes less sustainable and we might find ourselves so hungry to get our own needs met that we have to abandon the original mission. This is classic burnout.
Once one or both of the partners or the parent has burned out, it can be relationship-damaging unless they are able to identify that this is what’s happening. This can be especially true if one partner has tipped the scales toward self-interest and feels entitled to being cared for. Once the selfless person that is burning out is no longer able to meet every single need in advance, resentment can grow on both sides.
So, your attempt to build a strong relationship with no regard for your own needs, and all regard for your partner or your children’s needs puts you at risk of burnout, physical exhaustion and/or emotional depletion.
Maybe you are staying up late to spend time with your partner and getting up early to spend time with your children. Eventually this lack of sleep will create a deficit so large that your body will start to experience physical symptoms that aren’t obviously exhaustion-related. This might come in the form of headaches, confusion, irritability, or any number of other maladies.
Similarly, if you are feeding your children healthy meals and not taking the time to prepare nourishment for yourself, your body will eventually deteriorate and will cause you more problems.
Sense of Purpose and Fulfillment
Being selfless and helping others can provide you with a deep sense of purpose and satisfaction, as you contribute positively to the lives of others and to your community. In fact, I like to believe that political figures often get started with this type of altruism in mind. In their purest form, politicians are people (or should be) that want to represent the people whom they care about, improving the quality of life of their constituents. I imagine altruistic, selfless politicians tirelessly fighting for the improved living conditions of their constituents and lobbying for fair and honest rules for the people. (Yes, I did say in the purest form -we can leave today’s real-life politics out of this argument.) 😊
But consider this – when you focus on helping others, as you pour yourself into representing a particular group of people, you do risk loss of your own personal identity. You might forget who you are in a sea of people that are in need of your support. This is true not only for politicians, but also for most service-oriented professions, such as lawyers, doctors, social workers, teachers, and the like.
Or, on the other hand, if you are fighting for the rights of others every single day, you might become cynical and angry that others aren’t fighting to improve their own lives or to help themselves. Maybe you will begin to feel resentful that you are doing all of the work and have abandoned your own self. Or maybe you’ll start to wish that somebody was fighting for you.
Perhaps you are changing and wanting to do something different with your life but now you feel like an entire group of people is depending on you.
Take as an excellent example, parents who have spent 20+ years raising multiple children, devoting decades to their children at the expense of themselves. When these kids are finally out on their own and independent, this can be a real challenge for the parent that now doesn’t even remember who they are without their children, what they like to do, what brings them joy. This creates anxiety, depression and sometimes loss of hope, as they watch their children thrive and struggle to come to terms with their new reality on their own again.
I think it’s fair to say that people who err heavily on the side of selflessness may lose sight of their own desires, goals, and even self-worth, which can lead to feelings of resentment or a diminished sense of identity.
Increased Empathy and Understanding
In its purest form it is easy to see how selflessness is the very obvious representation of true empathy. Selflessness is, in fact, typically motivated by empathy, which allows us to connect with others’ experiences and see the world from diverse perspectives, enriching our understanding of people and relationships. When we have empathy for people, we are typically putting more focus on their feelings and experiences than on our own.
In certain professions and for certain causes, this is a wonderful thing. However, when you have a ton of empathy for others, but none for yourself, this can result in difficulty setting boundaries or limits for yourself. If you are unable to set limits and meet your own needs due to feeling guilt or trying to avoid feeling selfish, then you are at risk of neglecting yourself to such an extent that you become unable to help the people you originally were aiming to help.
If you become overcommitted and unable to say no, you risk being unable to show up as the healthiest version of yourself.
Consider this – if you are unable to say no, and you pride yourself on having empathy for everybody, there will inevitably come a time when the needs of two of these groups of people will clash, making it difficult or impossible to meet the needs of all. This will undoubtedly cause you anguish as you find yourself in a position to need to say no to one of these groups.
I had this experience many years ago when I offered to bring dinner to a family that had just welcomed a new baby. I had made the dinner and had nestled it in my trunk. On my way to the friend’s house, though, I witnessed an accident and pulled over to give my report and help those injured in the crash. Sure, this might sound like a wonderful thing to do, and I do think that I did the right thing. However, I took it too far. Nobody was injured in the crash and after giving my report to the police officers that showed up, I could have left and delivered the meal to the family, albeit a little late. But instead, my desire to be selfless led me to stay at the scene, providing warmth from the cold to several of the people involved in the accident by offering them access to my car, even offering to drive them to their homes in order to help them out. By making the choice that I needed to be the one to help them (because there were certainly others who could have done so), I was also making the choice that the family that was awaiting the dinner in my trunk would not be receiving that dinner on time, or even close. As it turned out, when I finally arrived to deliver the dinner, quite late, they had already had to feed their children something different and then head out the door to meet other commitments. The meal was cold, and I felt embarrassed.
My inability to set limits in this circumstance ended up hurting the family I was originally intending to help.
I think it’s self-evident that selflessness, while good in the right quantities, can also have some pretty bad edges to it as well.
The Third Way: The “Me + You” Mentality
In the end, we can see that selflessness and selfishness end up being two sides of the very same coin. You might see it as selflessness and selfishness (self-interestedness) living on two sides of a continuum. If you are able to pull some of each side into the mix, you will land somewhere in the middle. We can look at the space in the middle as being the goal for where we want to live most of the time. In other words, you will need both to find the perfect temperature for your life and it will require continuous maintenance and adjustments.
Seeking to harmonize the benefits of both selfishness and selflessness has the potential to create a foundation for healthier relationships, as well as for a more fulfilling life. We can shift our goal from “not being selfish” or “being selfless” to a goal of being a little of both. We can have as our goal to be balanced and intentionally focused on both our well-being and the well-being of those around us. This includes elements of self-care, self-respect, and self-compassion, as well as compassion for others, altruism and respect for others.
It is important to note that you should resist the urge to hold yourself to the standard of doing this perfectly as that is quite an impossible goal. Get in touch with what you are needing and what those around you are needing to the best of your ability and then ask yourself – “What do I need to do for myself today? And how can I best balance that with doing for others?” And then listen to the answers. You will not find a perfect balance each day, but the goal should be to find an averaged balance over time.
I have not figured out this balance perfectly, nor do I think I really ever will have it perfectly figured out. But it helps me just to remember that selfishness is, in fact, sometimes good and selflessness is, in fact, sometimes bad. Just that reminder alone is sometimes enough to keep me from feeling guilty for doing something for myself. I will keep striving to get the bathwater to the right temperature.
In the end, we don’t have to choose between being selfish or selfless; we can, and should, find a way to honor our needs while remaining compassionate toward others. The goal should be about finding that ever-changing balance between thinking of and caring for ourselves and thinking of and caring for those around us. It’s about honoring our own needs without being so focused on ourselves that we ignore those around us, and it’s about helping others without losing ourselves in the process.
