When I was young, suffice it to say that I had developed a lot of anger, or at least angry reactions, in many situations. I was very reactive. As I recall it now, I got outraged at the drop of a hat. I would take offense to the slightest thing. I developed this life outlook organically, and I carried it with me to college. It really was an attempt to keep myself “safe,” or so I thought. Or maybe I wasn’t thinking. In fact, I walked around in a bit of a fog most of the time in my early days.

I remember one day, though, that I stopped to get gas. This was back in the day when you actually had to go in and pay for your gas. Sometimes, at some gas stations, they would let you pump the gas prior to paying – pretty crazy idea, in my mind – but this was one of those stations. So, I drove up, and pumped my gas and then realized that I had forgotten my credit card. I must have had my wallet because I had my ID, but I did not have my credit card to pay for the gas. I have a foggy memory of all of the details, but I do remember being in the gas station and explaining to the guy working that I needed to run back to my apartment and get the card. The thing about it is that I was definitely going to do that – my sense of guilt was sky high – I knew I was trustworthy. I knew I was good for it. But this man did not know that. He was a little put out, which triggered my sense of outrage. He said that he would need to keep my ID while I ran back for the card. That felt shameful to me, and I got very angry. I don’t remember how I expressed that anger, but I’m guessing it was ugly. (Anger triggered by shame can be very powerful indeed.).

What I do remember is giving him my ID, returning to my car and driving to the apartment to get the credit card. In the amount of time it took me to get home and back to the station to pay (maybe 10 minutes), I was overcome by a deep sense of remorse. I felt absolutely terrible for having taken out my shame, my embarrassment, my outrage on this innocent man that did not know me and couldn’t have been asked to trust a young girl who “forgot her credit card.” I was deeply ashamed and my guilt was so intense that I decided to apologize. As I recall it, this was one of my first experiences sincerely apologizing for anything, and it was hard to do. I stood in the back of the store, waiting for the other customers to be gone. I was already going to struggle apologizing to the man I had yelled at, but I didn’t want that apology to be witnessed by anybody else. It felt humiliating somehow, maybe it was more humiliating to just be acknowledging how abysmally I had behaved toward this innocent man. When the store had cleared out, I approached him, and I told him that I was sorry for yelling at him, that I completely understood why he needed the ID to make sure I was going to return. I apologized, and probably cried a little. I paid for my gas and I left.

That day, something shifted. I wanted to be something different than I was. I was tired of being outraged. I wanted a different outlook on life and the people around me. I don’t remember how or why I picked it, but within the week I had found and purchased a book that I had chosen to start with – “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” That book began what has turned out to be a lifelong journey of growth and self-improvement. I loved that book. I have reread it in recent years and it doesn’t knock my socks off, but it was exactly what 19 year old me needed in that moment, at the time in my life, and at that part of my journey.