What do you do when people throw rocks at you?
Where to start?
Forgiveness is a big topic, an important topic and a challenging topic.
Forgiveness might look different than you thought it would.
Even for those of us who think we have mastered the subject or even just somewhat understood it, I contend that it is such a difficult topic that mastery will forever be something we are seeking. The art of forgiveness will be a class we are perpetually enrolled in.
To start, we can look up the definition of the word “forgive”, which according to the Oxford Languages is:
To stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
Now we could spend a lot of time on this definition, as well as the sub-definitions required to fully understand it.
Let’s look first at anger. This is a whole topic of its own and deserves its own attention. However, for the sake of talking about forgiveness, let’s consider a few ideas about anger.
Anger is a natural emotion. Anger actually serves a great purpose, which is to inform us when a line has been crossed. Now it’s equally important that we consider if it’s a line that we have communicated with others.
Somebody crossing an invisible line probably doesn’t warrant an angry reaction. But if we have been clear with setting our limits, then we will be justified in feeling angry when these limits are ignored. Again, a topic for a different day.
Let’s also consider what is an offense, a flaw or a mistake? Isn’t it possible that what one person perceives to be a flaw is actually what another might perceive to be a strength? Of course. Each of these is subjective and this could be a topic of its very own.
All of this contributes to making forgiveness an extremely complex topic.
Forgiveness might look different than you thought it would.
How do I understand forgiveness in the real world?
I know I spent many years labeling myself as forgiving. I prided myself on not holding a grudge. I prided myself on not retaliating or responding passive-aggressively to slights. No, this doesn’t mean I was perfect – far from it.
When I would find myself upset with people, I would trash about and try to convince them to change their ways. Or I would apologize to them for “my part” in the disagreement, usually not asking for anything in return. When they wouldn’t apologize for their part or when they would continue to mistreat me, I would tell myself I had to be “forgiving;” I had to “turn the other cheek.”
I spent a lot of time confused. I didn’t understand how I could forgive them over and over but they were seemingly not willing to forgive me. I had many people hold grudges against me for inordinately long periods of time. This included those closest to me, including my mother, sisters and husband. I would wrestle to forgive them. I would cry, feel guilty and beg them to see and understand how I felt.
In other words, I held myself to a standard of forgiveness, all the while neglecting to take basic care of myself and listen to what I needed.
I thought I was following the rules.
Looking back, I now wonder if I even understood forgiveness at all. Turns out that forgiveness looked different than I thought it would.
Was what I was doing truly forgiving? Maybe not. I truly believed it at the time. I’ve never been conflict-avoidant per se, but I have been fearful to lose relationships, holding on fiercely no matter what. So I don’t think that I was truly forgiving, as much as I was clinging to the connection, however tenuous it might have been.
Let’s take a look at the whole spectrum, from never being angry at all to holding long, unreasonable grudges.
People who tend to sit on the far left side tend to be people-pleasing and non-confrontational and un-cautiously open, exuding an air of desperation to maintain the connection, while people on the far right tend to be grudge-holding, retaliatory and closed.
Neither of these extremes falls into the category of being forgiving. Forgiveness sits right in or near the middle and might be considered the happy medium, the balanced way, the third way.
Rock Throwing
Envision, if you will, the following scenario with three possible reactions:
Each time you walk out your front door, somebody throws rocks at you.
What are your options?
Option 1:
You endure this treatment. You’re not sure why they are throwing rocks and you even try asking, but they don’t explain and they don’t stop. You continue to exit through your front door, and just brace yourself for the pain. When an edge of anger arises inside of you, you squelch it, reminding yourself that you are need to forgive and forget.
You live by the motto: Turn the other cheek.
Analysis: While this is the option that I think is most often viewed as forgiveness, it is not what I would consider to be true forgiveness. This option is really more in the realm of ignoring the bad behaviors of others. This option is really about not wanting to rock the boat. You are allowing bad behaviors and trying to ignore them, in the hopes that they will go away or with the hope that you will be able to see yourself as forgiving.
Option 2:
You begin arming yourself before you head out the door with bigger rocks. When you realize you are being targeted again, you don’t stop to ask questions, you throw a few rocks right back. You might not be able to stop them from throwing rocks at you, but will retaliate with force. It doesn’t occur to you to seek understanding about what they are mad about. You just want to hurt them more than they are hurting you.
You live by the motto: An eye for an eye.
Analysis: This is retaliation and grudge-holding. Even when the person stops throwing the rocks, you do not stop. You are determined to be the winner. The silent treatment will get lumped in with this option. Nobody can argue with you when you are being silent. You don’t need the conversation. You know you are right. In fact, you are invincible.
Option 3:
When you realize what is happening, you first and foremost get out of the line of fire. While protecting yourself, you shout across to the person, asking them to stop throwing rocks so that you can have a conversation. They pause for a moment, but then keep right on throwing. You are not sure what is going on and wonder if you did something to upset them, but you aren’t sure and they certainly haven’t communicated what you might have done.
Maybe you choose to tell yourself the story that they must be in a lot of pain to be hurling so many rocks at you. You certainly don’t want to add to their pain. However, they haven’t responded to your inquiries about why they are doing what they are doing. You are left to presume that they are not interested in listening to you or communicating at all. So you shout to them that you will talk when they are ready to stop throwing rocks but until then you are not going to engage in this battle.
After that, when they continue to throw rocks at you, you take the necessary steps to secure your property and protect your physical being. Maybe you install a fence with a lock and start even wearing a helmet for protection. Every once in a while, you remind them that you are open to talking when they are ready to put down the rocks and talk.
You live by the motto: I take care of myself and listen to others when they are willing to have an open and honest conversation.
Analysis: This is true forgiveness. You give them the benefit of the doubt, even as you take measures to protect yourself. You are open to talking, but not open to continuing to take the brunt of their unexpressed anger. You prioritize your personal well-being and you remain open, while you move forward.
Which one of these are you inclined to default to when faced with a difficult situation?
What do you tend to do when you perceive that somebody is throwing rocks at you?
If you are interested in exploring more on the topic of forgiveness, you might want to check out The Forgiveness Project. I am not affiliated with this organization, but it looks amazing.
