Everything is either an expression of love or a cry for love. Even things that are oftentimes interpreted as just rude (i.e., flipping somebody off while driving, posting a rude reaction to a post on social media, irritation with workers) are really just cries for love. What this means is that these people doing these seemingly rude things (well, they are rude things) oftentime are love-starved people that need love very badly.
One time, I was at an airport with my sister and her very young son (age 2). The agent was demanding that he have an ID to be able to board the plane. My sister was very upset as her son obviously had no such identification. My sister was getting angry, and the agent was getting angry – it escalated to calling a supervisor over. While we awaited the supervisor’s arrival, I decided to try and de-escalate the situation. I told the agent with deep sincerity that I thought she must have a pretty tough job dealing with people day in and day out, often people that were irritable and in a hurry. She agreed that her job could be very difficult at times. We spoke for a few minutes about her struggles in her job. It didn’t take too long before you could see her soften. As she spoke, she seemed to visibly relax and she apologized and said that it was ok for my sister and her son to go ahead to the flight. She really didn’t need the ID. She just needed to be seen as an individual and to be understood. Understood people are better able to understand people.
Similarly, I once had a friend that I had met for dinner. She started off the conversation with a lot of anger towards me. She was intensely frustrated with me and my husband for not sharing some gift certificates that we had been receiving from a favorite restaurant of ours. She was right – we hadn’t share the gift certificates. At the time, we hadn’t offered to share because we were hurting for money, trying to pay off large quantities of debt and knew that they boasted having large amounts of money. My initial instinct was to defend myself, but I somehow knew this would escalate the situation. I opted instead to try to understand her. I told her that I understood why that would be upsetting to her and that I was sorry. After about 10 more minutes of her venting, she slowly softened up, became sad, rather than angry, and began confiding in me that her boyfriend was always angry with her. She had been masking her sadness and hurt and need for love with anger. Once I could unmask the anger, I could give her what she needed, which was a form of love.
Now, these examples were pretty straightforward, and maybe surprising, success stories. But I would contend that many people that are displaying outward signs of something that looks like rudeness and anger need to be understood. It won’t always work out so easily as it did for me in these two examples, but the principle still holds.
Everything is an expression of love or a cry for love. And I like to meet a cry for love with an expression of love. Regardless of the outcome, you can rest assured that you have acted with integrity.
Everything is either an expression of love or a cry for love. It sounds too simple, but it’s true. Start paying attention in your life. Everybody is hurting on some level. Some of them aren’t even aware that there is pain. If, after looking at the projection….if, after seeing if you should own any of the things you think you’re seeing in the other….if, after peeling that away, if it’s still there, rest assured the person that is hurting you is crying out for love.
They may not know it. They may even vehemently deny it when asked. So don’t ask. Just know that there are people who are in pain, and know that everybody wants love. At the root of most people’s acting out is the want (or need) for love – love from others AND love for themselves.
You do sometimes have to protect yourself from people who haven’t recognized the need for love. There are people who will want to hurt you (emotionally or physically) and it is smart to steer clear of them. It is not your responsibility to show them the light. But internally, for you and for all the people around you, recognize the hurt underneath that person’s behavior. And send them nice thoughts (prayers?). Energetically, this small shift from anger to compassion can be healing – for you in the short term and for them in the long term.
Don’t forget that all of your own actions are also either an expression of love or a cry for love. Love from others or love from yourself. Start recognizing that underneath the surface (sometimes far under the surface) of your actions – what is your real motivation?
