Sometimes I think I’m surrounded my depression, and am doomed to be so for the rest of my life. I have been in such dark, seemingly hopeless places that I thought I just wanted it all to end. I would never go so far as to end anything because I’m scared of hell, and I guess I really just still have a glimmer of eternal hope that things will get better. I have memories of sitting in my closet as a young adult crying my eyes out. I have a memory of going to a Christian book store looking for a book with words of encouragement and telling the woman working there that it was for a friend – yes, I really did that. I remember crying on a friend’s couch. I remember crying in the bathtub. I remember sitting on an airplane thinking it would be such a relief if the plane just went down. I remember driving and eating chips and crying. I remember crying in my room more times than I can count. I know depression. I didn’t always have a “reason” to be sad. I have so many memories of crying just because I felt like I was in a hole I couldn’t crawl out of. I remember feeling like I was in a dark, narrow well and I was trying to pull myself out, but it seemed like people were trying to keep me in that well. It felt like people were stepping on my hands as I strained to lift myself out. I thought that all I needed was someone to throw me a rope, and nobody seemed to care if I got out or not.

So what changed? I think what changed is that I started to give myself the love that I thought I needed from others. It would have, no doubt, been easier to get that love from others, but somehow the depression comingled with the crying and sadness and made me unlovable. People feared my sadness and I couldn’t quite hide it. I had people tell me that if I didn’t smile enough. I had people tell me that they thought I didn’t like them because I always seemed sad. I had people tell me I was pathetic and worse. I have lost friends because I didn’t know how to have fun with them. I was too high maintenance.

Somehow all of this has left me feeling uniquely qualified to understand, if not exactly help, the people in my life that are depressed. And I do have those people – people that I love dearly.

• First of all, don’t be ashamed to take medication to help you through the murkiest times. If that helps, then it is more valuable than you can imagine.
• Second, find a creative outlet – whether or not you are good at it, or think that you are.
• Third, exercise – find something that you like to do, even at all, and do it as many days as you can. You might be surprised how much that helps with dark moods.
• Fourth, do your very best to have compassion for yourself. Find a picture of yourself as a young child and try to feel compassion for her if you can’t muster any compassion for your adult self today. Go back as far as you have to go in age so that you can feel love and not just blame that child for being bad. Because you are not bad – I am 100% confident of that. You are amazing.
• And fifth, don’t use drugs or alcohol to cope. It is tempting in the moment, yes, but it will backfire and leave you feeling worse in the end.

Things will get better – nothing stays the same and things will change. Stay open for that and always know that if you happen to be one of my people, you can always reach out to me, knowing that, at a minimum, I understand.