Beliefs – noun

1. an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.
2. trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something.

(Oxford Languages)

You have beliefs.  (We all do.)  You have accepted that certain things are true.  (We all have.) You have trust or faith or confidence in something. (As do we all.)

Having beliefs isn’t the problem.  Having too many unquestioned beliefs, though, can stifle you if you find yourself clinging too tightly to those beliefs.

The trouble is that often these tightly-held beliefs are ideas that you adopted without really even stopping to consider them.  Maybe some of your beliefs were taught (either advertently or inadvertently) to you by your family.  You might even feel protective of these beliefs that have been passed down through the generations.  Other beliefs you might have developed as a way of keeping yourself safe. 

Some beliefs are good, but some beliefs are not so good.  These not-so-good beliefs aren’t serving you in useful, life-giving ways.  Sometimes even the seemingly positive beliefs are holding you back.

Here are a few examples of beliefs you might have been taught or developed:

• Maybe you have accepted as truth that getting a college degree is the only way to make money or find happiness in life.    
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that having kids is an imperative to living a fulfilling life.
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that you have to look damn near perfect to be accepted by society.
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that if you are a good parent, your children will be obedient at all times.
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that aging is drudgery and you should fight it at all costs.
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that you should help other people regardless of the cost to yourself.
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that showing anger is a sign of weakness.
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that being sad is a sign of frailty.
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that life has to be hard in order to be worth living.
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that you need to be stoic and unflappable and strong even in the face of adversity.
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that you are not ok the way you are.

Every single one of these things that you have accepted as truth are your beliefs.

Often you just simply believe something – you think it is simply true, you don’t even question it. 

Do any of these sound familiar?  Maybe you still believe some of these things today.  Why do you cling to these beliefs? 

Whether you question them or not, these beliefs (which also might aptly be named your rules for life) serve you in many ways.  They purport to keep you safe.  They provide you with a framework for life so that you don’t have to think too much.  They theoretically attempt to keep you from feeling uncertain or uncomfortable.

But there is a catch.

Do these rules actually keep you safe?  Do they actually provide you with a good framework for life?  Do these rules actually keep you from feeling uncomfortable?

When things go perfectly (as defined by the beliefs you have adopted), all might seem well.  You get the college degree, you have 2.5 children, you are blessed with societally-approved good looks, your children are docile, obedient and well-behaved, you continue to look youthful and the cosmetic creams continue to work, helping others hasn’t stretched you too thin, nobody has crossed your boundaries in a profound or meaningful way (or you were able to successfully ignore it when they have), loved ones haven’t died premature deaths, etc.  You life seems to be going well.  Until.  Until something goes awry.

Let’s look at the list again, but this time with a little bit of real life thrown in:

• Maybe you have accepted as truth that getting a college degree is the only way to make money or find happiness in life.
  • But then you fail out of your college program and dream of being an electrician. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that having kids is an imperative to living a fulfilling life.
  • But then you struggle with infertility and face a life without kids. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that you have to look damn near perfect to be accepted by society.
  • But you aren’t blessed with the genetics to give you the culturally-approved good looks – your hair is different, your body shape is different, and the straighteners and diets aren’t working anymore. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that if you are a good parent, your children will be obedient at all times.
  • But then you have a child that pushes back, has their own opinions and says no to you. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that aging is drudgery and you should fight it at all costs.
  • As you approach mid-life, the creams, lotions and Botox can’t keep up with the wrinkles. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that you should help other people regardless of the cost to yourself.
  • But you feel so tired and depressed all the time and haven’t smiled in what feels like weeks. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that showing anger is a sign of weakness.
  • But then somebody hurts you or someone you love and you beat yourself up for the angry feelings you’re having, admonishing yourself for being too uptight. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that being sad is a sign of frailty.
  • But then someone you love dies and you can’t hold back the tears any longer. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that life has to be hard in order to be worth living.
  • But you realize over time that you don’t enjoy anything about your life and you’re hoping for it all just to be over soon. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that you need to be stoic and unflappable and strong even in the face of adversity.
  • But one day it all becomes too much for you and you break down crying on the subway. (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)
• Maybe you have accepted as truth that you are not ok the way you are.
  • But one day you know you can’t keep it in anymore and your true self comes bursting out – people are disoriented and tell you that you just “aren’t the same person anymore.” (RESULT: Discomfort and feeling like a failure)

Inevitably something will happen that pushes you into a situation where you are however-inadvertently “breaking the rules.”  Your beliefs are challenged. At that point, when you become unable to follow your own rules for life, you might feel like a failure.  It causes us to not feel ok.

Maybe one of your beliefs is challenged overtly by others who weren’t taught that particular rule.  Or maybe a life tragedy strikes and you just can’t hold it together anymore.  Or maybe you start to challenge your own beliefs because deep down you know there is just something off.  Or maybe you just grow weary of it all and the energy it takes to follow all of these rules and hide your true nature just becomes too much for you. 

So what happens then?

IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE.  It hurts.

You might beat yourself up for not being able to continue living your perfect life, for not being able to follow the rules.  When the people around you don’t follow the same set of rules, you might blame them for “causing” your problems.  (Why aren’t they following the rules for life?!  Did they not get the memo?) Maybe you will put on one hell of a good show in public, but in private, you are crumbling.  Like so many people, you might turn to some kind of coping mechanism (excessive alcohol consumption, excessive drug use, excessive spending, excessive shopping, excessive exercise, etc.) to cover up the discomfort of the gulch between the real you and the you that is busy just trying to follow all these rules. 

For example, let’s assume that I “know” I’m not supposed to be sad, that being sad is a sign of frailty and frailty is bad. But these days, I feel undeniably sad.  I will likely start thinking of myself as defective for not being able to continue following this rule.  Additionally, if I “know” sadness is bad and frail, then I will also hold other people to this standard of not being sad and I am inclined to judge them harshly if they show signs of sadness.  If I’m in a position of authority over them, I might use my power to punish them or shame them when they show sadness.  And this is how the rules get passed down through the generations. 

But believe it or not, your rules are not other people’s rules.  We all learned different rules.  So you inevitably (read: all of the time) encounter people that have beliefs that just simply don’t match up with yours.  Depending on how entrenched your rules are, you might push everyone away who has different rules, or you might judge them harshly. 

Let’s take for example meeting a new friend.  If you believe that children are supposed to be obedient at all times and you have a new potential friend who believes that children should not be disciplined at all, it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to build a close friendship.  Each of you will be judging the other much of the time for “doing it wrong,” when in reality, neither of you is right and neither of you is wrong.  You are just operating with different beliefs.

So many people go through life just believing things unquestioningly.  They believe what they believe because somebody in authority over them believed it or they think that somebody in authority over them believed it.

I propose that you take a closer look at your beliefs. Questioning your own beliefs is important – it is the crack in the armor that might give you the freedom you’ve been longing for.  You don’t have to follow the rules blindly.  You get to pick.  So, start there, but questioning isn’t enough. 

Then you need to examine the beliefs.  This requires an open mind. It’s so important to realize that examining a belief is just that – it’s taking a harder, more objective look at the belief.  You might realize that your belief is a good one.  Or you might realize that your belief isn’t absolute truth – in fact, your belief might simply be wrong.  Be open to that and if you do come to that conclusion, it’s time to retire and rewire.

You can make the choice to retire a belief and rewire your brain.  Sure, this might be challenging, but it’s worth it.  Moving away from an old, rigid belief toward something new, more open, and more life-giving is always a good idea.  You can hold onto the pieces that still work for you and just shift the belief ever-so-slightly or you can choose to radically change the belief.  You don’t need permission from anyone but yourself.

Beyond all of these beliefs that aren’t serving you, and beyond all of the rules you have been trying so hard to follow, and beyond all of the ways you find to judge yourself and those around you as “good” or “bad,” beyond all of it, there is beauty.  You will find the beauty in yourself, in others and in the world once you start to become free from all these limiting beliefs.