It’s ok to ask for what you need.
It’s ok to need stuff.
I don’t know or care why, but I can honestly say that these two things never even occurred to me. I remember a marriage counselor asked me (about a decade ago) what I needed, and I was stumped. I remember my reply being something like – Is it ok for me to need things?
Yes, it’s ok to need things. Everybody has needs. And needing something doesn’t make you self-centered, unreasonable, or entitled.
The key is to trust yourself and what you need. Problems arise when you need something, but you don’t believe that your needs are valid or worthy, so you stuff them down. Or I should say you try to stuff them down. Stuffing your needs down builds pressure which will damage your inner self. The pressure will build and build and inevitably you will explode with the pressure of the need. The problem, though, is that then you actually will look unreasonable. The need will be expressed in a torrent of emotion and look completely chaotic to the outside world. That will continue the cycle – people will tell you how unreasonable you are, and because you are very confused, you will think that expressing your needs is the unreasonable thing and you will continue to try to hold them in, deny yourself, until you simply can’t anymore. And the cycle will repeat endlessly.
It’s not unreasonable to express your needs. The reason comes in how you express them. And expressing them after holding them in for so very long will most of the time not result in the healthiest expression.
What you really need to do is trust yourself. It sounds simple, and it really is, but at first it is not. It’s hard to trust yourself when you have been repeatedly telling yourself that you are unreasonable, that your needs are excessive, that you should need the things that those around you need. You might even have been told that explicitly – perhaps real people said those very real things to you. And now you are also saying them to yourself. You are reinforcing those negative messages. Guess what – those people weren’t right. It’s ok to express needs. Maybe what people should have said is that you are ok AND you need to learn to express your needs in the moment and without wondering if you deserve to express them.
Consider this example: Suppose I am on a vacation and I need some alone time. Enough said. I know that I need alone time. BUT my family is planning a snorkeling adventure and I can’t miss out. I participate and don’t tell anybody how I am feeling, and I do have fun. I’m glad I went, even if I was a little bit irritable with those around me. After snorkeling, somebody suggests that we all go out for ice cream (I might be with a large group of extroverts!), and I begrudgingly agree but find myself nitpicking those around me or complaining about the ice cream parlor they chose. (Note that what I really need still is alone time.) Then we get back to the house and somebody suggests a game. I love games and want to play, but I am so burned out. However, I don’t want to let anybody down. I don’t want to turn the entire vacation into what I need. I will play for the sake of the family. But everything irritates me. When somebody asks me what’s wrong, I blurt out that I just need some goddamn alone time. Why are you all so sensitive anyway? Just leave me alone!
Wow, they will be shocked, might wonder why I didn’t just say something to begin with. They will possibly (probably?) get upset with me and then a whole fight will start. I will be labeled unreasonable, everybody will be upset and I will think to myself that I should never have expressed my needs to begin with.
WRONG!
Let’s flip the script:
Suppose I am on a vacation and I need some alone time. Enough said. I know that I need alone time. BUT my family is planning a snorkeling adventure and I can’t miss out. I participate and don’t tell anybody how I am feeling, and I do have fun. I’m glad I went, even if I was a little bit irritable with those around me. After snorkeling, somebody suggests that we all go out for ice cream (I might be with a large group of extroverts!), and I say that I really need to go back to the house, as I need some down time to recharge. Several of my family members are angry because I’m thwarting their need for ice cream. The ice cream parlor is on the way home. I agree that it makes more sense to stop for ice cream on the way home, since we have only one car. I let them know, though, that I ‘m feeling the need to recharge, and I will be doing that as soon as we get home. They take a little long eating their ice cream, and I remind them, perhaps a little too sharply, that I need to get home. We agree to a time to leave the ice cream parlor and soon I am home. Somebody suggests a game. I love games and want to play, but I am so burned out. However, I don’t want to let anybody down. I don’t want to turn the entire vacation into what I need. I will play for the sake of the family. I decline the game – some people are disappointed – they might not have enough people to play the game they wanted to play. Yet, I still honor what I need. I retreat to the bedroom to take a bath and read for a bit.
When I return to the living room, they are just getting ready to head out to watch the sunset and grab dinner. I feel so much better and I’m ready to engage again. Much better.
The difference is that in the second scenario I trusted myself. Even if those around me, purposefully or not, try to convince me that I shouldn’t trust myself, that I should want what they want, I still choose to trust myself. I make reasonable compromises that still allow me to get my needs met.
The other thing is that when you choose to trust yourself (which takes retraining), you will find it easier to allow others to trust themselves. When you are denying all of your needs for the sake of those around you, you will subconsciously or even consciously believe that those around you should do the same for you.
Trusting yourself and your needs, even when others don’t understand or agree, is not selfish. It is imperative to a happy life and happy relationships.
