Problem Cards

Everybody has problems.

You cannot live a life free of problems. 

Problems ebb and flow.  In a moment of overwhelm, it might seem like they threaten to overwhelm you.  They swim in your head, wreaking havoc & growing in magnitude. 

People try to deal with problems in so many different, and usually unhelpful, ways.  Avoiding problems seems to be something most people are exceedingly good at – it seems we usually gravitate toward some type of bingeing activity (drinking too much alcohol, using drugs, eating too much, watching a lot of TV, spending money, reading, the list goes on and on).  In fact, many of us choose a potpourri of these behaviors, going from one type of bingeing to another.

The problem with avoidance is that the problems are still there, most often with additional problems added on top as a result of the avoidance of the original problems. 

On the other hand, some people hyper-fixate on problems, obsessively trying to solve them, spending hours searching on the internet for answers, or calling everybody they can think of asking for opinions and input and help.  These people can’t rest until life is problem-free, which it never will be. 

Sometimes we do a combination of avoiding and then hyperfixating – oscillating between the two.

In the end, we are simply overwhelmed.  We don’t know what to do.  We can’t think straight.  Our problems often morph together into some kind of nebulous blob, threatening to bring us down.

1. Write them down

The first thing to do is to get them out of your head. 

  • Grab a stack of index cards

Any index cards will do.  I prefer to get index cards in fun colors. But if you prefer standard (and inexpensive), white index cards work just as well.  Just grab some and get started.  Each card should contain a single problem – described in just a few words. 

  • Start writing

Just rapid-fire write the cards.  One after the other. 

Sometimes once you peel the big problems out of your brain, you will uncover some new ones.  That’s ok – that might even be good.  Keep in mind that those problems were already there – this just identifies them, it doesn’t create them. 

Keep writing – one problem per card – until they start to slow down.  Write big problems.  Write small problems.  Just write.  No problem is too big, and no problem is too small. 

Don’t judge yourself for having too many (or too few) problems.  Just get them out of your head and onto the cards.  Sometimes I have only a few and sometimes I have more than 30. 

Don’t judge the problems as good or bad.  Don’t judge them as big or small.  Your job for now is just to write.

Here is a sampling of what the cards might look like to start:

  • Can’t find colored pencils
  • Kids not doing chores
  • Bill (husband) drinks every day after work
  • Dogs driving me crazy
  • Too much debt
  • Neighbor’s tree hanging over fence
  • Need to lose weight
  • Never have food in the house for dinner
  • Emma’s (7th grade daughter) grades are dropping

Once you have them written, stack them up, clip them with a paper clip and take a deep breath. 

Sometimes I had been in the middle of something – maybe trying to work or read a book – and a problem (or 10) was intruding into my thoughts.  Once I have the cards written, I can often resume my activity with a freer mind, knowing that it will be there waiting for me when I’m ready to address it.

Sometimes I find that I am actually worried about forgetting my problems.  I know that we all think we want to forget our problems, but we all really want deep down to find solutions to them and our brains are often (consciously or unconsciously) working hard searching for solutions.  This is a way to interrupt that low-level internal stress and make it more explicit and external.

Sometimes just getting them out of your head starts to create enough space so that you can breathe. Doing this before bed can sometimes help you sleep more soundly.

Sometimes that is temporarily enough.  Sometimes all you needed was a little space from the problems.

Often what you needed was a little clarity – sometimes we think we have a million problems and it turns out that it’s only three or four primary problems to deal with.  Sometimes we think we have only one large problem, but once we peel that problem off, we find a bunch more come pouring out and we end up with a dozen. 

2. Get some distance

Remember that you are not your problems.  Your problems don’t define anything about who you are.  Keeping them physically separate from you can remind you of that.

Putting the problems across the room from you for a bit so you can go back to working or exercising or even sleeping can be very helpful.

Maybe put them on your nightstand or across the room or in a special problems box.  Have fun with it and put your own fun and creative spin on it.  These are your problem cards, so if you have an idea of what type of temporary separation you need from them, do that!

But I do recommend taking a breather at this point.  Do something you love to do.  Take a walk, or dance to some music, or lie down and close your eyes.  Anything. (Well, anything other than bingeing. 😊)

3. Revisit the stack of cards

After you have taken some time and gotten some distance from the cards, go back, pick up the stack of cards and review them.  This can be later the same day, the next day or the next week.  (Tip: don’t wait TOO long or you will find yourself needing to start over.)

Sometimes when you come back to the card, you find that one or two of the problems have already resolved or maybe you just won’t see them as problems anymore.  If this is the case, feel free to tear it up or at least remove it from the stack.

  • Can’t find colored pencils – I FOUND THEM!
  • Kids not doing chores
  • Bill (husband) drinks every day after work
  • Dogs driving me crazy
  • Too much debt
  • Neighbor’s tree hanging over fence
  • Need to lose weight
  • Never have food in the house for dinner
  • Emma’s (7th grade daughter) grades are dropping

What you will be left with is a stack of active problems, both big and small.

  • Kids not doing chores
  • Bill (husband) drinks every day after work
  • Dogs driving me crazy
  • Too much debt
  • Neighbor’s tree hanging over fence
  • Need to lose weight
  • Never have food in the house for dinner
  • Emma’s (7th grade daughter) grades are dropping

4. Identify the real owner of each problem

  • Is it actually my problem or somebody else’s?

The first thing is to identify (i.e., write) on each of the cards whether these are actually your problems or somebody else’s.  In other words, do you actually have any power to solve this problem or is this a problem that is really somebody else’s responsibility? 

It might be harder than you think to distinguish between something that is your problem and something that is actually somebody else’s.  Sometimes it’s easy to fool ourselves into believing that a certain issue is our problem, even when it’s quite definitely not.  Don’t spend time being embarrassed about these or feeling shame – just mark the person responsible and move on. 

Sometimes problems greatly concern us but we aren’t the ones with the power to solve them.

I know that I often find myself putting down my children’s problems on my cards.  While I have a certain responsibility for my children, depending on their age and what the problem is, sometimes the problem really is theirs to solve. And this is true for people other than our kids as well.  Maybe you have a very good friend or a spouse that is in a predicament and you really want to help them.  You might think that you are responsible for coming up with an answer or suggestion for them.  But I encourage you to be honest on the card – whose responsibility is it really?  Just mark it on the card.  This is a first step toward getting honest with yourself.

  • Kids not doing chores
    • Problem Owner: Kids/Bill/Me
  • Bill (husband) drinks every day after work
    • Problem Owner: Bill
  • Dogs driving me crazy
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Too much debt
    • Problem Owner: Bill/Me
  • Neighbor’s tree hanging over fence
    • Problem Owner: Me/Neighbor
  • Need to lose weight
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Never have food in the house for dinner
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Emma’s (7th grade daughter) grades are dropping
    • Problem Owner: Emma
  • Do I have ANY responsibility for solving this problem?

For those problems that you identified as being somebody else’s problem, the next question to ask yourself is whether you are in a position of responsibility to at least help solve the problem.  For example, maybe you are that person’s parent and they are not yet an adult (importantly, note that if the problem owner is an adult, you might be interested, but you are not responsible – yes, even adult children).  Or maybe you are that person’s coach or their boss.  If any of these conditions apply, add your name to the Problem Owner (alongside theirs)

  • Did the person responsible ask for my help?

So, now we have identified problems that are ours to own. 

We have also identified problems for which we are legally or ethically obligated to help the person ultimately responsible for the problem.  

What’s left are problems that seemingly belong to somebody else.  The next question for these problems is this – did the problem owner ask for your input or help to solve the problem?  Yes or no.  Just mark that down. 

Important note: Even if the person ultimately responsible for the problem did ask for your help, unless you are legally or ethically obligated to help them, it is still not your responsibility to help that person.  However, if they did not ask for your help, I would argue that it is your responsibility to not help. 

In the example case given here, Bill did not ask for help. 

  • Kids not doing chores
    • Problem Owner: Me/Bill/Kids
  • Bill (husband) drinks every day after work
    • Problem Owner: Bill (Didn’t ask for my help)
  • Dogs driving me crazy
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Too much debt
    • Problem Owner: Me/Bill
  • Neighbor’s tree hanging over fence
    • Problem Owner: Me/Neighbor
  • Need to lose weight
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Never have food in the house for dinner
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Emma’s (7th grade daughter) grades are dropping
    • Problem Owner: Emma/Me

Now we have our problems and who is responsible for them.

5. Clarify the problem

  • Add detail to the problem description

Now it’s time to add a bit of clarity to the problem.  Write what the problem is in a little more detail.  Don‘t overexplain – write just enough to make it clear what exactly the problem is.

  • Where necessary, split problems into two parts so that each problem has a clear owner

If what I have written as a problem has a part that I have responsibility for or influence over and another part that I care about but I can’t do anything about it, then split that into two cards

  • Reword the problem to represent a problem that is clearly your responsibility

Sometimes you will find that the problem belongs to somebody else the way that it is written.  So maybe you just need to reword it. 

  • Kids not doing chores
  • Not consistently enforcing the chore chart
    • Problem Owner: Me/Bill/Kids
  • Bill (husband) drinks every day after work
    • Problem Owner: Bill (Didn’t ask for my help)
  • Haven’t told Bill how I feel about his drinking
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Dogs driving me crazy need to be trained not to jump on people
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Too much debt
  • Buying too many clothes on a whim
    • Problem Owner: Me/Bill
  • Neighbor’s tree hanging over fence
  • Scared to talk to neighbor about the tree hanging over the fence
    • Problem Owner: Me/Neighbor
  • Need to lose weight
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Never have food in the house for dinner
    • Problem Owner: Me
  • Emma’s (7th grade daughter) grades are dropping
  • Need to talk to Emma about her grades
    • Problem Owner: Emma/Me

6. Separate the facts of the problem from your judgments of the problem

It is incredibly easy to confuse facts and judgment – people do it all the time, actually unable to distinguish between the two.  When you have a problem to deal with, though, it is important to try to distinguish between the two.

Facts are things that are indisputable – facts are just facts.  They are simple statements that usually carry no descriptors and are just simple undeniable or non-debatable truths.  For example, let’s say that you went to a restaurant for dinner last night and waited 1.5 hours to be seated and then proceeded to have a terrible evening with terrible service.  The facts about this evening are as follows:

  • I ate dinner at Restaurant XYZ.
  • My friend and I arrived at 6:25 pm.
  • We sat down at our table at 8:01 pm.
  • I ordered salmon and my friend ordered a cheeseburger.
  • We left the restaurant at 9:34 pm.

There might be a few more facts that you could add to this, but generally speaking there are usually far fewer facts than there are judgments about situations.

  • In this example, my judgments might include the following:
  • We went to have dinner at the worst restaurant last night.
  • We waited a long time for a table.
  • The service was terrible.
  • The food was cold and didn’t taste very good.

While all of these statements might seem like fact to you, they are, in fact, judgments.  Now, I am not arguing that your judgments are necessarily wrong.  They might not be.    However, I am arguing that somebody else having the same evening might have had different judgments – all I am asserting is that they are not fact, they are judgments.

Let’s take a look at the problems we have identified above:

Problem: Not consistently enforcing the chore chart

Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • The dishwasher is run every night.
    • The dishwasher was still full when I got home from work yesterday at 4 pm.

    Judgments:

    • The dishwasher needs to be unloaded before breakfast.
      • The kids are too lazy to do their chores.
      • The kids don’t care about the house or have any respect for me.
    Problem: Haven’t told Bill how I feel about his drinking

    Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • There are 4 empty beer bottles in the recycling bin.
      • I see a $32 charge on our bank statement from the liquor store from yesterday.

    Judgments:

    • Bill needs to stop drinking.
      • His drinking is making him irritable.
      • He cares more about drinking than he cares about me.
    Problem: Dogs need to be trained not to jump on people

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • We have two dogs.
      • The dogs jumped up on visitors to our house last week when they arrived.

    Judgments:

    • Dogs shouldn’t jump on people.
      • Our visitors were probably irritated with the dogs.
      • The dogs’ behavior reflects badly on me.
      • I should be able to control the dogs.
    • Buying too many clothes on a whim
      • Problem Owner: Me
    Problem: Buying too many clothes on a whim

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • We have $9,500 in credit card debt.

    Judgments:

    • Credit card debt is bad and embarrassing.
      • I cannot go on any vacations until this is paid off and I need a vacation.
    • Scared to talk to neighbor about the tree hanging over the fence
      • Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • My neighbors have a tree.
      • Some of the branches hang over into my yard.

    Judgments:

    • They should cut the tree back so it doesn’t hurt our fence.
      • They aren’t diligent with their yardwork and will let it go forever.
    Problem: Need to lose weight

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • My new jeans won’t button anymore.

    Judgments:

    • I weigh too much and need to lose weight.
    Problem: Never have food in the house for dinner

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • Our pantry contains food.

    Judgments:

    • I don’t like the food that we have in the house.
      • We don’t have the ingredients for good dinners.
    Problem: Need to talk to Emma about her grades

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • Emma is currently getting C’s in 2 classes.

    Judgments:

    • Her grades should be higher.
      • She will never get into college with these grades.

    7. Get honest with yourself (Emotion and Real Want)

    Once you have some clearly stated problem cards that are your responsibility and you have the power to deal with them, that’s when it’s time to get even more honest with yourself. 

    • Name the emotion that you feel associated with this problem

    Do you feel sad or angry or afraid or shameful when you consider this problem?  When we don’t stuff them down or try to suppress or ignore them, our emotions can help inform us about what the deeper want is regarding this problem. 

    If we feel angry, has somebody crossed a boundary?  Or maybe we are not respecting our own boundaries?

    If we feel sad, what have we lost?  Have we lost something or somebody or is the loss related to ourselves?  Have we lost a part of our selves?

    If we feel fear, how do we feel unsafe or unprotected?  What might we need to do to protect ourselves or somebody we are responsible for? 

    Often shame accompanies many of our emotions.  Shame can stop us in our tracks, keeping us from wanting to admit the problem to ourselves or others, and keeping us from taking any action to resolve the issue.

    There are many other emotions that we might be identifying – list any and all that seem applicable.

    • Identify what it is you are really wanting

    Once you know how you feel about a problem, then you can start to uncover what it is that you really want.  Try to be as honest as possible about this.  For now, just start with what it is you are really wanting.  This can be challenging to figure out sometimes, but can also help us find out that some of our problems really have the same root want.  Sometimes we think the problem is about one thing, when it’s really about something entirely different.  So, be open to yourself and trust yourself to know (or start to know) what the real want is.

    Problem: Not consistently enforcing the chore chart

    Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • The dishwasher is run every night.
    • The dishwasher was still full when I got home from work yesterday at 4 pm.

    Judgments:

    • The dishwasher needs to be unloaded before breakfast.
      • The kids are too lazy to do their chores.
      • The kids don’t care about the house or have any respect for me.

    Emotion: Shame

    Want: To be more consistent

    Problem: Haven’t told Bill how I feel about his drinking

    Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • There are 4 empty beer bottles in the recycling bin.
      • I see a $32 charge on our bank statement from the liquor store from yesterday.

    Judgments:

    • Bill needs to stop drinking.
      • His drinking is making him irritable.
      • He cares more about drinking than he cares about me.

    Emotion: Fear

    Want: I want a better relationship with Bill.

    Problem: Dogs need to be trained not to jump on people

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • We have two dogs.
      • The dogs jumped up on visitors to our house last week when they arrived.

    Judgments:

    • Dogs shouldn’t jump on people.
      • Our visitors were probably irritated with the dogs.
      • The dogs’ behavior reflects badly on me.
      • I should be able to control the dogs.
    • Buying too many clothes on a whim
      • Problem Owner: Me

    Emotion: Shame/Anger

    Want: I want more people to visit our house.

    Problem: Buying too many clothes on a whim

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • We have $9,500 in credit card debt.

    Judgments:

    • Credit card debt is bad and embarrassing.
      • I cannot go on any vacations until this is paid off and I need a vacation.

    Emotion: Shame/Fear

    Want: I want to look and feel good.

    Problem: Scared to talk to neighbor about the tree hanging over the fence

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • My neighbors have a tree.
      • Some of the branches hang over into my yard.

    Judgments:

    • They should cut the tree back so it doesn’t hurt our fence.
      • They aren’t diligent with their yardwork and will let it go forever.

    Emotion: Fear/Anger

    Want: I want to prevent the fence from being damaged and I want peace with the neighbor

    Problem: Need to lose weight

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • My new jeans won’t button anymore.

    Judgments:

    • I weigh too much and need to lose weight.

    Emotion: Sad/Shame

    Want: I want to look and feel good.

    Problem: Never have food in the house for dinner

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • Our pantry contains food.

    Judgments:

    • I don’t like the food that we have in the house.
      • We don’t have the ingredients for good dinners.

    Emotion: Anger

    Want: I want to have healthy options so I can eat more healthy meals.

    Problem: Need to talk to Emma about her grades

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • Emma is currently getting C’s in 2 classes.

    Judgments:

    • Her grades should be higher.
      • She will never get into college with these grades.

    Emotion: Fear

    Want: I want a good relationship with my daughter and I want her to thrive so that I know I’m a good mom.

    7. What single action can you take to get you closer to your stated want?

    We can almost always take at least a single step in the direction of getting a bit closer to what we want.  Obviously some problems are bigger than others and will take a long time to actually “solve.”  Other problems, though, are small and can be solved with a single action. 

    So, it’s time to define the single action you will take.  It is of the utmost importance that your action be very specific and achievable in a short period of time.  A single action is NOT “lose 20 pounds.”  That is too vague and too long of a step.  We are looking for steps that can are achievable in a fairly short time frame.  So, a single action might be “only drink one soda per day for the next week.”  That is measurable and is something that you can do in a defined period of time.

    Problem: Not consistently enforcing the chore chart

    Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • The dishwasher is run every night.
    • The dishwasher was still full when I got home from work yesterday at 4 pm.

    Judgments:

    • The dishwasher needs to be unloaded before breakfast.
      • The kids are too lazy to do their chores.
      • The kids don’t care about the house or have any respect for me.
    Problem: Haven’t told Bill how I feel about his drinking

    Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • There are 4 empty beer bottles in the recycling bin.
      • I see a $32 charge on our bank statement from the liquor store from yesterday.

    Judgments:

    • Bill needs to stop drinking.
      • His drinking is making him irritable.
      • He cares more about drinking than he cares about me.
    Problem: Dogs need to be trained not to jump on people

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • We have two dogs.
      • The dogs jumped up on visitors to our house last week when they arrived.

    Judgments:

    • Dogs shouldn’t jump on people.
      • Our visitors were probably irritated with the dogs.
      • The dogs’ behavior reflects badly on me.
      • I should be able to control the dogs.
    • Buying too many clothes on a whim
      • Problem Owner: Me
    Problem: Buying too many clothes on a whim

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • We have $9,500 in credit card debt.

    Judgments:

    • Credit card debt is bad and embarrassing.
      • I cannot go on any vacations until this is paid off and I need a vacation.
    • Scared to talk to neighbor about the tree hanging over the fence
      • Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • My neighbors have a tree.
      • Some of the branches hang over into my yard.

    Judgments:

    • They should cut the tree back so it doesn’t hurt our fence.
      • They aren’t diligent with their yardwork and will let it go forever.
    Problem: Need to lose weight

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • My new jeans won’t button anymore.

    Judgments:

    • I weigh too much and need to lose weight.
    Problem: Never have food in the house for dinner

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • Our pantry contains food.

    Judgments:

    • I don’t like the food that we have in the house.
      • We don’t have the ingredients for good dinners.
    Problem: Need to talk to Emma about her grades

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • Emma is currently getting C’s in 2 classes.

    Judgments:

    • Her grades should be higher.
      • She will never get into college with these grades.

    7. Get honest with yourself (Emotion and Real Want)

    Once you have some clearly stated problem cards that are your responsibility and you have the power to deal with them, that’s when it’s time to get even more honest with yourself. 

    • Name the emotion that you feel associated with this problem

    Do you feel sad or angry or afraid or shameful when you consider this problem?  When we don’t stuff them down or try to suppress or ignore them, our emotions can help inform us about what the deeper want is regarding this problem. 

    If we feel angry, has somebody crossed a boundary?  Or maybe we are not respecting our own boundaries?

    If we feel sad, what have we lost?  Have we lost something or somebody or is the loss related to ourselves?  Have we lost a part of our selves?

    If we feel fear, how do we feel unsafe or unprotected?  What might we need to do to protect ourselves or somebody we are responsible for? 

    Often shame accompanies many of our emotions.  Shame can stop us in our tracks, keeping us from wanting to admit the problem to ourselves or others, and keeping us from taking any action to resolve the issue.

    There are many other emotions that we might be identifying – list any and all that seem applicable.

    • Identify what it is you are really wanting

    Once you know how you feel about a problem, then you can start to uncover what it is that you really want.  Try to be as honest as possible about this.  For now, just start with what it is you are really wanting.  This can be challenging to figure out sometimes, but can also help us find out that some of our problems really have the same root want.  Sometimes we think the problem is about one thing, when it’s really about something entirely different.  So, be open to yourself and trust yourself to know (or start to know) what the real want is.

    Problem: Not consistently enforcing the chore chart

    Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • The dishwasher is run every night.
    • The dishwasher was still full when I got home from work yesterday at 4 pm.

    Judgments:

    • The dishwasher needs to be unloaded before breakfast.
      • The kids are too lazy to do their chores.
      • The kids don’t care about the house or have any respect for me.

    Emotion: Shame

    Want: To be more consistent

    Action: Set a reminder on my phone to check that chores have been done so that I can say something if they haven’t, OR

    Action: Add a penalty to the chore chart (communicating this to the kids) and then set a daily or weekly timer to remind myself to enforce that things are done/assess the penalty.

    Problem: Haven’t told Bill how I feel about his drinking

    Problem Owner: Me

    Facts:

    • There are 4 empty beer bottles in the recycling bin.
      • I see a $32 charge on our bank statement from the liquor store from yesterday.

    Judgments:

    • Bill needs to stop drinking.
      • His drinking is making him irritable.
      • He cares more about drinking than he cares about me.

    Emotion: Fear

    Want: I want a better relationship with Bill.

    Action: I will talk to Bill about the drinking before our party on Saturday.

    Problem: Dogs need to be trained not to jump on people

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • We have two dogs.
      • The dogs jumped up on visitors to our house last week when they arrived.

    Judgments:

    • Dogs shouldn’t jump on people.
      • Our visitors were probably irritated with the dogs.
      • The dogs’ behavior reflects badly on me.
      • I should be able to control the dogs.
    • Buying too many clothes on a whim
      • Problem Owner: Me

    Emotion: Shame/Anger

    Want: I want more people to visit our house.

    Action: Call three dog trainers to get prices and schedules for dog training.

    Problem: Buying too many clothes on a whim

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • We have $9,500 in credit card debt.

    Judgments:

    • Credit card debt is bad and embarrassing.
      • I cannot go on any vacations until this is paid off and I need a vacation.

    Emotion: Shame/Fear

    Want: I want to look and feel good.

    Action: Remove three items of clothing from my closet that I don’t feel good in, OR

    Action: Identify three items of clothing that I feel good in that I already have.

    Problem: Scared to talk to neighbor about the tree hanging over the fence

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • My neighbors have a tree.
      • Some of the branches hang over into my yard.

    Judgments:

    • They should cut the tree back so it doesn’t hurt our fence.
      • They aren’t diligent with their yardwork and will let it go forever.

    Emotion: Fear/Anger

    Want: I want to prevent the fence from being damaged and I want peace with the neighbor

    Action: Set an alarm on my phone for Saturday morning at 11:00 to go over and chat with the neighbor about the tree.

    Problem: Need to lose weight

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • My new jeans won’t button anymore.

    Judgments:

    • I weigh too much and need to lose weight.

    Emotion: Sad/Shame

    Want: I want to look and feel good.

    Action: Step on the scale to see where I am starting, OR

    Action: Start a food diary so I know how much I’m actually eating.

    Problem: Never have food in the house for dinner

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • Our pantry contains food.

    Judgments:

    • I don’t like the food that we have in the house.
      • We don’t have the ingredients for good dinners.

    Emotion: Anger

    Want: I want to have healthy options so I can eat more healthy meals.

    Action: Set a reminder on my phone to check that chores have been done so that I can say something if they haven’t, OR

    Action: Make a list of three meals I want to make for myself this week and then go buy the ingredients for these meals.

    Problem: Need to talk to Emma about her grades

    Problem owner: Me

    Facts:

    • Emma is currently getting C’s in 2 classes.

    Judgments:

    • Her grades should be higher.
      • She will never get into college with these grades.

    Emotion: Fear

    Want: I want a good relationship with my daughter and I want her to thrive so that I know I’m a good mom.

    Action: Allow 15 extra minutes before bed tonight to chat with Emma to see how she is feeling about things and where she might need some help.

    8. Set a time to hold yourself accountable for completing the named actions

    After you have defined your actions, and set your timeline for achieving them (by definition, this should be a week or less), set up a time to reassess the problem cards to honestly assess if you carried out your actions.

    If you did carry out your action (as listed on the card), maybe you can define another action over the next period of time.  This action can be the same as the previous one over the next time frame or you can define a new action.  Just make sure it is specific, time-bound and measurable.

    If you did not carry our your actions (as listed), be honest with yourself about why you chose not to do so.  Then make a new commitment to yourself by either restating the action you had defined before or by defining a new action (again, make the action specific and measurable).

    9. Continue reviewing the cards periodically

    While this approach won’t magically solve your problems for you, if you follow the process, you should gain some clarity about what your problems are (and what they are not), and you will have a better understanding of what you are really feeling or wanting.  In addition, you will have identified for yourself some constructive actions you can take towards solving each problem. 

    Problem cards are an ongoing process – you will need to continue to refine, update and reassess problems.  You can continue to work on this set of problem cards for as long as you need to, returning to any step as needed.

    Ideas:

    • Find an accountability partner that is also working through problem cards.  Meet regularly with this person to review your action steps or talk through any of the steps above honestly.  If you commit to truly being partners in this you will point out where each other needs to be more honest with themselves about any of the points listed above.
    • Use highlighters in different colors to indicate problems that are your responsibility vs problems that belong to others.
    • Find stickers for the cards or decorate them, if you would like to.
    • Date the cards and as they get resolved, put them in a folder or a box so you can look back on them in the future to see how far you have come.
    • If it feels better to rip up the cards that have been resolved, then do that.  Again, get creative – this is your problem-solving process.  Have fun with it!
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