Sometimes when I tune into my ugliness, it blows me away.  And sometimes when I tune into my beauty it blows me away.  All of the time I am just trying to see myself and where I fit in the lineup of people on the planet – and that is exhausting.  Let me tell you, that that is not only a useless endeavor but it is one that might just ruin your life.   The world is full of all sorts of people – compared to these people, you judge yourself to be beautiful; compared to these people, you judge yourself to be horrid – judge, judge, judge, run faster on the wheel – faster, faster.  You’re getting nowhere.  You simply are who you are.  That’s all there is to it. 

 There will always be somebody bigger, better, more beautiful and amazing.  Especially when you are beating yourself up inside.  When you’re beating yourself up inside, it’s easy to feel small and insignificant and to see yourself paling in comparison to those around you.  And there will always be somebody smaller, more fearful, less successful than you – this can make you feel fleetingly better.  But your self worth should not be at the expense of those surrounding you.  Your self worth should exist in a vacuum, regardless of who you are with and what you (or they) are doing. 

 Think of your 4-year-old self.  Would you suggest that she (or he) look around their preschool class and find the prettiest girl in class, and then beat herself up for not being as pretty.  Likewise, would you recommend that that 4-year-old look around and find the ugliest kid and gloat about feeling better than that person?  No.  You would tell that 4-year-old to just be herself.  Just be who she is, and she will be loved.  Nobody can see inside somebody else from looking at their hair or their clothes or any other superficial thing.

 When you aren’t loving yourself like you would love your 4 year old child, the world feels unsafe, and you flail around looking for safety.  One of those ways of finding safety is to find others that you can feel superior to.  I know that none of us wants to admit that we are looking down on other people, that we are looking for people that we can feel superior to (that’s embarrassing!), but it’s true.  Placing yourself in a lineup of people at every turn will often mean you are feeling inferior and less than, but sometimes this comparison will naturally result in you feeling superior to or better than.  And that is what you are seeking.  The reassurance and safety of being loved.  But you think you can only be loved when you are objectively “better” or “prettier” or “smarter.”  That is simply not true.

 I know this might be surprising – it certainly surprised the hell out of me! – but people will love you even if you are not perfect.  Not all people are comparing you at all times – they aren’t spending time lining people up in rank order so they can pick from the top of the stack, the front of the line.  They are actually just meeting you where you are, and taking you in as a whole person.  Sure, you could say, “If I’m ranking other people, surely at least some other people are ranking me – that’s only logical.”  And you would be right.  That is correct that some are ranking you.  So what?  Let them rank you, because you know you can’t be ranked. 

 You can’t line up 50 random objects and rank them in their order of importance.  You can’t even do this with 5 items – perhaps one is a key, and you also have a glass of water, an apple, a seed and a ball.  How might your rate these things?  I challenge that you cannot objectively do this without more information.  What if you rank them in this order: glass of water, apple, ball, key, seed.  That would be acceptable because you can’t live without water first and food second and having fun is super important (hence the ball).  But what if I told you the key was the key to a fully stocked room of food and beverages?  Wouldn’t that be more important?  What if the seed would produce an apple tree that would supply you with hundreds of apples?  What if the apple in the lineup was completely rotten and inedible?  More information is always necessary.  Get to know people.  Don’t assume that you can stack rank based on income or appearances or social status.  People are a treasure trove of stories and emotions and nuance – start talking to them, learn about them, and what you’ll find is that stack ranking isn’t even important anymore.  It never was.  What you have is just a room full of richly interesting people, none of whom are better than or worse than the others.

 They are.  Let them be.

 You are.  Just be. 

Question: How do you tend to size yourself or others up?  For the next week, notice when you are beginning your comparisons, and try to stop/intercept yourself.  Exercise: Each day this week, find a way to intercept comparing yourself to others – write these times down in your journal.