I have been talking about what I call “common enemy bonding” for years. It is the all too familiar bonding over hating somebody. It is the very substance of cliques. It is the crux of political arguments. It is often done in families, it is done with friend groups. It is pervasive and common and incredibly hurtful. And we all have the tendency to do it. It is a quick and easy way to bond, but it is extremely damaging. I spent the first n years of my life using common enemy bonding as the basis for connection of all kinds. It was modeled for me and I gladly picked up the reigns and carried on. It was almost the only way that I even knew how to bond with people. Until that shattered.

When my husband’s brother died, things changed for me. My husband and I had done a bit of common enemy bonding over his brother through the years. And when his brother suddenly died, I was jolted into reality – the reality of having missed out on a deep relationship with him, the reality that he was a beloved member of his family and society. I had been duped. Or had I? I had myself to blame. I had willingly participated in common enemy bonding. So I decided to stop. Stopping was a very difficult and painful thing to do. But each time someone tried to initiate a bond or further bond with me over a common enemy, I simply stated a nice fact about that person. And, boy, did the shit hit the fan. People were used to me agreeing, used to getting some validation for their hatred of people. I was accused of being hateful toward the people making the remarks. It was hard.

Stop now. Stop early. There is nothing good that can come from common enemy bonding.