How What We Think We Know Changes Our Reality

What Do We Believe?

Have you ever tried to plant a garden in soil that has lost its nutrients? The plants don’t thrive, in fact, they barely survive.

Our lives are no different. What we believe forms the soil that we inevitably plant our lives in, and these beliefs make the difference between having a flourishing life and a withering one.

We believe (or know, as we typically like to say) all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons.

Sometimes our beliefs spring out of our experiences, either negative or positive. (We don’t get asked to prom when all of our friends do or we get worse grades than our classmates.)

Sometimes our beliefs form as a way of trying to protect ourselves from some perceived or real danger. (We learn to believe that we shouldn’t have a voice because we get whipped when we speak up, or we learn to believe that we aren’t attractive to minimize our chances of being insulted at school.)

Sometimes our beliefs form based on explicitly hearing the words that make up the belief from other people. (“You’re dumb!” or “You aren’t likable!”)

Rarely do we actually label our beliefs as “beliefs”. Most of the time, we don’t even recognize them as actual thoughts – they run far under the surface, affecting our lives, but largely unseen. Even if we do recognize that they exist, we think they are just facts, things that we know, rather than beliefs. So for now I’m going to refer to believing and knowing interchangeably.

What we believe (know) about ourselves not only can, but does, change everything about how we interpret the world and others, and therefore how we react to things.

Whatever belief we hold, we will subconsciously search for confirmation of that belief, validation that others believe about us what we already think we know. The irony is that when we find that validation, we react to it, each in our own way, often creating a lot of internal (and external) tension.

Some of us choose to rebel, fight back, seemingly shifting into retaliation, trying to upset those around us. (Think: Oh, yeah, well, you’re dumb too and here’s why!)
Some of us choose to hide and avoid these situations and all similar situations in the future. Getting this confirmation of what we already believed or feared causes us to run away from the discomfort. This can show up as diving deep into coping mechanisms.
Others of us might start trying to improve, be better, please, be perfect. We want others to approve of us and so we try to prove that we are ok or somehow change their minds. This might show up as excessive flattering, pleasing or self-deprecation.
Those of us that have learned a healthier reaction will recognize the belief that just got reinforced, and bring awareness to it. Then we can start questioning if that belief is true, real and appropriate. This reaction is the goal.

Our beliefs are the very soil in which everything in our lives gets planted. Whether you plant in nutrient-rich soil or nutrient-weak soil can make all the difference between having a flourishing garden or a withering one; so can cultivating strong, healthy beliefs about yourself make the difference between having a flourishing life and a withering one.

Finding Proof for What We Believe: The (Annoying?) Friend

As we know, once we believe something, we go through life looking for proof that we are right.

But consider this – meet Jerry. If I were to introduce you to Jerry, but prefaced your meeting him by telling you that Jerry tends to be quite rude and he probably won’t like you because he doesn’t tend to like people like you. When you meet him, you will naturally look for proof of this rudeness, even interpreting benign comments as underhanded or passive-aggressive.

However, if I told you in advance that my friend Jerry is a great and likable guy, and that I believe he will really like you a lot, you are quite likely to go into that interaction looking for proof of his goodness and likability. You are more likely to interpret the things he says as positive and good, even giving him the benefit of the doubt when he says something a bit more questionable.

Just like our beliefs about Jerry will change our perception of him, our beliefs (things we think we know) about ourselves will change our perceptions of ourselves, impacting our understanding of others’ comments to or about us.

How we interpret people’s words or actions depends less on the actual words and actions and more on our deep-seated beliefs.

So Why Do Some Things Hurt More than Others?

Have you ever had someone make an offhand remark to you and it almost physically stings? Or perhaps you’ve said something to somebody else that they seemed to react to in a way that seemed way out of proportion to the way you intended it?

Just like if somebody casually pours saltwater on your arm for some reason, it might annoy you but it won’t hurt you – unless, you already have a cut on your arm! If you already have a cut on your arm, and somebody pours saltwater on it, OUCH! This will HURT! But it’s the same saltwater. The cut is what made the difference. The saltwater doesn’t form the cut – the saltwater aggravates the cut only if the wound already exists. And it is in this way that the comments or actions of others hurt us only if we already have a pre-existing negative belief about ourselves.

It’s important to note that I am neglecting the obvious truth that our cuts or beliefs get formed often by actually being treated badly at some point in our lives – this is a complex issue that I’m not addressing today. I am certainly not implying that you are at fault for having the beliefs you have. We are only addressing how these beliefs tend to cause us pain when we continue to look for confirmation of them.

Good Luck With Her!

After my first 20-year marriage ended, I was introducing a new boyfriend to my family of origin. Almost immediately upon meeting this boyfriend, my sister remarked directly to him and in front of me, “She’s the most neurotic person I know. Good luck with her.”

And it stung. My sister’s attempt to warn my new boyfriend out of the relationship with me unfortunately didn’t surprise me – I had trained them that it was acceptable to treat me this way for many years. But the comment about me being neurotic stung in a different way. It stuck with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The words rolled around in my brain.

Neurosis is characterized by anxiety and distress, fears and depression. And it was true that I had spent many years distressed – anxious, depressed and with a lot of fear.

Why did it sting so much? I knew why – it fit perfectly into one of my deepest insecurities about myself. It was the saltwater on the cut of my believing that I was flawed and unlovable. My sister’s comment rang true – it fit with what I believed (or knew) about myself. At that time, I was still looking for confirmation that I was unlovable and I feared being exposed in this new relationship.

My soil was quite lacking in nutrients at that time – rather than continuing to poor water on that garden, I needed to replace the soil with nutrient-dense soil.

Rather than defend myself or try to prove her wrong, rather than getting angry and reacting (which I’m sure I did do), the remedy was actually to identify that belief and then go about transforming it.

Aggravating Your Own Existing Wounds

When somebody insults you in a way that doesn’t ring true at all, there is no sting. If somebody says something that you absolutely know is objectively not true, you will simply not be upset by it.

Let’s say you have dark brown eyes and somebody tells you that they you have ugly, watery, blue eyes, you won’t be upset. You believe (or know) that your eyes are brown. In fact, it’s likely to strike you as silly. You’ll be easily able to write off their insult as something strange going on with them, something for them to wrestle with, rather than something about you. It will be clear to you that they are just not seeing you clearly. There is no doubt in your mind – you know it isn’t true. It’s baseless. So it doesn’t hurt.

Similarly, let’s say you are very academically smart and doing exceptionally well in school and somebody calls you dumb. It won’t sting. You believe (or know) that you are smart. It will be obvious to you that their comment reflects something more about them than about you. In fact, it borders on simply exposing them as dumb. It won’t hurt. You will simply ignore it, and move on, perhaps choosing to keep your distance from that person in the future because why are they calling you dumb to begin with?

Remarks that you consider to be objectively truly ridiculous just easily roll off your back.

But, on the other hand, remarks that feel close to the truth (or that fear being true) will stick with you for a long time.

Let’s modify the scenarios above. Let’s say you have blue eyes and you’ve always been insecure about them – you may have thought they were too light or not colorful enough. Therefore when somebody tells you that you have ugly, watery, blue eyes, this will land right in the thick of your insecurity. You already believe (or know) that your eyes are kind of ugly. So the remark will hurt. You believe the comment because it hits somewhere near a belief that you fear is true.

Similarly, if you struggled a lot in school to earn good grades and then somebody calls you dumb, this will sting. You will be unlikely to see this as being about them – you will think that it is definitely a comment about you. You already believe (or know) that you aren’t as smart as those around you. Now somebody else has confirmed it.

Beliefs Change Everything, Even Reality!

Let’s look at a fictional woman named Adrienne. In both scenarios, we will assume that Adrienne is coming to this situation having formed different beliefs about herself.

In this first example, the soil in which her life is rooted is dry and lacking nutrients; therefore, her interactions don’t flourish – in fact, the weeds might even start to take over.

Setup/Formation of Belief: Adrienne had struggled to get good grades in school, so didn’t feel as smart as the people around her. Her parents and teachers were always frustrated with her inability to do well, and she always secretly knew that she struggled more than those around her just to do simple things. She knew she was just stupid, and believed that she never did anything right.

How It Shows Up Today: Now Adrienne has landed her first professional job – she took the first job she was offered because she feared nobody else would be foolish enough to hire her. She has a lot to prove, if only to herself. Adrienne has just completed a work assignment, and before she turns it in, she reads over the report many times, checking for errors.

Comment/Action: When she meets with her supervisor, Amy, later that day, Amy jokingly remarks that Adrienne must have had a rough morning, obviously having rushed to turn in that report on time as there were quite a few mistakes.

Belief: Adrienne believes (or knows) that she is not as smart as or as good as others.

Reaction: Amy’s comment verifies what Adrienne already fears. She feels terrible and is so upset that she has to leave work to cry. She has just received confirmation that her feared belief was true. She knew it. She would never get it right. Adrienne fears she might be fired soon.

Now let’s consider an alternative version of that same scenario with only the original belief that Adrienne carries into the situation differing.

In this example, the soil in which her life is rooted is rich and fertile with many nutrients; therefore, her interactions blossom.

Setup/Formation of Belief: Adrienne struggled to get good grades in school, and was diagnosed with dyslexia early in elementary school. She knew she was as smart as those around her, even though she needed some help to navigate school assignments with the dyslexia. Her parents and teachers were very supportive and Adrienne graduated near the top of her class.

How It Shows Up Today: Now Adrienne has landed her first professional job – having the confidence that she was worth employing, she continued to apply until she found a job that seemed to be a good fit for her. She had confidence in her abilities, and was unashamed of her dyslexia diagnosis. Adrienne has just completed a work assignment, and before she turns it in, she reads over the report many times, checking for errors.

Comment/Action: When she meets with her supervisor, Amy, later that day, Amy jokingly remarks that Adrienne must have had a rough morning, because the report has several errors.

Belief: Adrienne believes (or knows) that she is capable and smart and as good as others.

Reaction: Adrienne realizes in this moment that she needs to inform Amy of her dyslexia diagnosis, as well as the ways in which she compensates for this disability. She requests some assistance with proofreading her work in the future. Amy’s joking doesn’t worry her, and she takes Amy’s remark as a reminder that she will need to do a little extra to get her work reviewed for errors. She knows Amy will appreciate having her as an employee.

Notice that in these two scenarios, the supervisor did and said the exact same thing. Only Adrienne’s belief about herself differed, and that entirely changed her interpretation and reaction to the situation. The soil in which she was planting these interactions was vastly different between the two scenarios.

Aggravating Others’ Existing Wounds

Just like we can have our own wounds aggravated by others, we also can tend to aggravate others’ existing wounds. When you say something to somebody and you have the temptation to label them as “overly-sensitive” or defensive, recognize that what you have said might have inadvertently resonated with one of their deep-seated beliefs or fears.

Many times, we won’t even know if we are hitting somebody else’s painful beliefs unless they are able to tell us, which can be hard for people to do if they don’t even know explicitly that this is happening. In fact, realizing what is going on, as well as being able to talk about it openly, takes awareness, humility and a vulnerability that requires cultivation.

So when we witness a surprising reaction, we can train ourselves to better understand what might be happening – that we might have just landed on somebody else’s painful belief about themselves. Sometimes we will be able to mend the situation by reassuring the offended person that we see them as valuable and good (or whatever the truth is that is not the feared belief). Repair is not always possible, though, especially if the other person is unwilling to see the dynamic for what it is.

I spent many years teaching myself to own my part in relationship dynamics, believing that if I could change my reaction, I could fix the entire dynamic. While my changing my reaction did certainly change the dynamic, it did always clear the way for a fix. In order for a healthy dynamic to emerge, both parties must be willing to own their parts.
In other words, you might have fortified your own soil, but you don’t always have control over the quality of the soil of those you are interacting with.

A Case Study: Changing Beliefs Changes the Interaction

Most of the time, our misguided beliefs will interact with the misguided beliefs of those around us, resulting in quite the mess of an interaction.

I’m going to illustrate using a real-life example how this happens. First we will look at the interaction as it happened adding in the unhealthy beliefs that were certainly in play at the time. Next I am going to re-imagine the situation in a world where the participants (myself and my then-husband) had strong, healthy beliefs in place. Finally, I will re-imagine the scenario with only me having had shifted my beliefs from negative ones to healthier ones. Note that only the first scenario represents reality – the others are what I imagine might have happened if things had been different.

The Scene As It Played Out

[Note: I am going to leave out the setup/formation of beliefs for the sake of these scenarios – often we are unaware of the history of others’ belief formation.]

This is the scene as it actually played out when both my then-husband and I were planting our interactions in arid soil that was lacking vital nutrients.

The Setup: My (now ex-)husband and I were traveling across the country with our young children (ages 7, 4, 1). I had done all of the packing for myself and the kids, struggling to find the right combination of books and toys that would keep them entertained on the two flights. (And being in my perfection mode, I was on edge trying to make sure everything was not only done but done perfectly.) While ushering the kids through the extremely busy security line at the airport and trying not to lose one of the kids, any of our stuff or my temper, I asked my then-husband to pick up one of the backpacks to put on the conveyor belt. He barely lifted the pack before exclaiming, “What did you pack? Rocks! God, this is heavy.”

My Belief: I need to be perfect, but nothing I do is ever good enough.

Leading to My Reaction: His criticism of my packing triggered a knee-jerk reaction in me, and I spat back with, “Just be a man, and pick up the bag.”

His (Presumed) Belief: While he and I were never able to have an honest conversation about this incident, I can speculate that his belief was something like “I am not enough”.

Leading to His Reaction: He did pick up the bag and put it on the conveyor belt. Then he quit speaking to me.

My Reaction: I realized immediately that what I said had been mean and so sincerely apologized as we exited the security area.

His Apparent Belief: I need to keep the upper-hand to prove that I am ok.

Leading to His Reaction: He remained silent, refusing to speak to me as we boarded the plane with our young children, flew a couple of hours, spent a few hours at a connecting airport, boarded a second plane, flew a couple of more hours and then began to make our way to baggage claim at our final destination. At this point, I forced the issue because we were about to be surrounded by my family (which came with its own set of challenges). When I pressed him to talk, all of his anger came spewing out loudly at me – in the airport, in front of my children and many dozens of others. He yelled at me, berated me and said many things he had seemingly been holding back, declaring my unlovability and badness overtly.

My Belief: I am bad and unlovable.

Leading to My Reaction: I cried, begging and pleading with him to stop. I spent some time in the airport bathroom with my toddler daughter crawling on and around me, trying to stop my uncontrollable tears, the sadness and despair threatening to swallow me whole. I had about 5 or 6 women approach me to offer me help, but I knew there was nothing they could do. When I had managed to stop crying and pull myself together a little bit, I returned with my toddler to where he was waiting with the 4- and 7-year-olds.

His Apparent Belief: He might have feared that he was pathetic and weak. I do not know this for certain, but based on the number of times he called me pathetic, I am willing to speculate that this was a fear of his.

Leading to His Reaction: Upon my return, he asked me who I had called to complain about him. I hadn’t called anybody. He began walking towards baggage claim.

And we will stop there for the sake of our case study.

In this real-life scenario, our relationship was already weak, but this damaged it even more.

The Re-Imagined Scene – Healthy Version

Now I will re-imagine the scene as if we had both been able to establish healthier (and likely truer) beliefs about ourselves prior to this trip.

For this scene I am imagining what it might have looked like if both my then-husband and I were planting our interactions in rich soil.

The Setup: My (now ex-)husband and I were traveling across the country with our young children (ages 7, 4, 1). I had done all of the packing for myself and the kids, struggling to find the right combination of books and toys that would keep them entertained on the two flights. ~~(And being in my perfection mode, I was on edge trying to make sure everything was not only done but done perfectly.)~~ While ushering the kids through the extremely busy security line at the airport and trying not to lose one of the kids, any of our stuff or my temper, I asked my then-husband to pick up one of the backpacks to put on the conveyor belt. He barely lifted the pack before exclaiming, “What did you pack? Rocks! God, this is heavy.”

My Belief: I ~~need to be perfect, but nothing I do is ever~~ am good enough and I deserve to be treated well.

Leading to My Reaction: ~~His criticism of my packing triggered a knee-jerk reaction in me, and I spat back with,~~ “Actually I packed a bunch of books and toys for the kids, and I would appreciate you not complaining about the weight of the bag, especially as you didn’t help me pack. ~~Just be a man, and pick up the bag.~~”

His (Presumed) Belief: ~~While he and I were never able to have an honest conversation about this incident, I can speculate that his belief was something along the lines of~~ I am ~~not~~ generally good enough.

Leading to His Reaction: He did pick up the bag and put it on the conveyor belt, then said “You’re right, I should have helped you and I won’t complain. I’m sorry.” ~~then he quit speaking to me.~~

My Reaction: ~~I realized immediately that what I said had been mean and so apologized as we exited the security area.~~ “Thank you.”

His Apparent Belief: ~~I need to keep the upper-hand to prove that~~ I am ok and have no need to prove it.

My Belief: I am good ~~bad~~ and deserve to be treated well ~~unlovable~~.

Leading to My Reaction: I cried and begged him to stop. I spent some time in the airport bathroom with my toddler daughter crawling around on and around me, trying to stop my uncontrollable tears, the sadness and despair threatening to swallow me whole. I had about 5 or 6 women approach me to offer me help, but I knew there was nothing they could do. When I had managed to stop crying and pull myself together a little bit, I returned with my toddler to where he was waiting with the 4- and 7-year-olds.

His Apparent Belief: He knew his internal strength. feared that he was pathetic and weak. I do not know this for certain, but based on the number of times he called me pathetic, I am willing to speculate that this was a fear of his.

Leading to His Reaction: ~~Upon my return, he asked me who I had called to complain about him. I hadn’t called anybody. He began walking towards baggage claim.~~

In this imagined scenario, our trip proceeded as smoothly as possible while traveling with three young children. We might have even had a bit of fun along the way.

Our relationship stays strong and in tact.

The Re-Imagined Scene – Partially Healthy Version

Even if you have successfully strengthened your beliefs about yourself, it is unrealistic to assume that those you interact with will have done the same. You do not have the power to force others to progress in their own belief systems, and this will affect your relational dynamics. However things will still play out in a radically different way.

Now I will re-imagine how the scenario might have played out even if only I had strengthened and transformed my beliefs. In this scene I imagine what it might have looked like if I had been planting in rich soil, but my then-husband’s soil was arid and lacking nutrients.

The Setup: My (now ex-)husband and I were traveling across the country with our young children (ages 7, 4, 1). I had done all of the packing for myself and the kids, struggling to find the right combination of books and toys that would keep them entertained on the two flights. ~~(And being in my perfection mode, I was on edge trying to make sure everything was not only done, but done perfectly.)~~ While ushering the kids through the extremely busy security line at the airport and trying not to lose one of the kids, any of our stuff or my temper, I asked my then-husband to pick up one of the backpacks to put on the conveyor belt. He barely lifted the pack before exclaiming, “What did you pack? Rocks! God, this is heavy.”

My Belief: I ~~need to be perfect, but nothing I do is ever~~ am good enough and deserve to be treated well.

Leading to My Reaction: ~~His criticism of my packing triggered a knee-jerk reaction in me, and I spat back with,~~ “Actually I packed a bunch of books and toys for the kids, and I would appreciate you not complaining about the weight of the bag, especially as you didn’t help me. ~~Just be a man, and pick up the bag.~~”

His (Presumed) Belief: While he and I never were able to have an honest conversation about this incident, I can speculate that his belief was something along the lines of – I am not enough.

Which Led to His Reaction: He did pick up the bag and put it on the conveyor belt. Then he quit speaking to me.

My Reaction: I ~~realized immediately that what I said had been mean and so apologized~~ noticed his silence but had nothing to apologize for as we exited the security area.

His Apparent Belief: I need to keep the upper-hand to prove that I am ok.

Leading to His Reaction: He remained silent, refusing to speak to me as we boarded the plane with our young children, flew a couple of hours, spent a few hours at a connecting airport, boarded a second plane, flew a couple of more hours and then began to make our way to baggage claim at our final destination. At this point, I forced the issue because we were about to be surrounded by my family (which came with its own set of challenges). When I pressed him to talk, all of his anger came spewing out loudly at me – in the airport, in front of my children and many dozens of others. He began to yelled at me~~, berated me and said many things he had seemingly been holding back, declaring my unlovability and badness overtly~~.

My Belief: I am good ~~bad~~ and deserve to be treated well ~~unlovable~~.

My Reaction: When he began yelling, I ~~cried and begged him to stop~~ immediately asked him to stop. (If he didn’t stop, I would have continued walking toward baggage claim with the kids, leaving him to yell by himself.) I would shed no tears, as I would know this was about him, not about me trying to stop my uncontrollable tears, the sadness and despair threatening to swallow me whole. I had about 5 or 6 women approach me to offer me help, but I knew there was nothing they could do. When I had managed to stop crying and pull myself together a little bit, I returned with my toddler to where he was waiting with the 4- and 7-year-olds. Later I would ask him if he was willing to have a difficult conversation about what happened.

His Apparent Belief: He feared that he was pathetic and weak. I do not know this for certain, but based on the number of times he called me pathetic, I am willing to speculate that this was a fear of his.

His Reaction: He might have gone quiet again or perhaps he would have engaged in the requested conversation. Depending on that outcome, I could determine what my real options were. ~~Upon my return, he asked me who I had called to complain about him. I hadn’t called anybody. He began walking towards baggage claim.~~

I acknowledge the speculative nature of this re-imagined scenario that could have gone innumerable directions. In the one I chose for the sake of illustration, this is not a healthy relationship. However, I remain in integrity and with strong beliefs about myself, which leaves me to parent my children and make healthy decisions.

This is simply a single example of single interaction in a single marriage. Examples like these are all-too-prevalent in our world, and not only in marriages – anybody who has a flawed belief system will be reacting based on those beliefs in every interaction they have. While we cannot fix things single-handedly, it is up to each of us to begin working on our own beliefs, getting clear on who we really are and what is actually true about us. Each of us has the responsibility to take small steps toward fixing our own contribution to this problem.

Circling Back & the Takeaway

So back to the insult from my sister about being neurotic, it turns out that this comment landed firmly in the territory of my belief that I was unlovable and flawed. At that time, my soil was quite unhealthy, arid and lacking nutrients.

Now, more than a decade later, I have re-discovered the truth about myself. I have substantially enriched my soil. My new belief that I am lovable, even though I still have flaws, changes my outlook on her warning to my then-boyfriend about getting involved with me. I would now be able to see her comments as a representation of her and her own fears and beliefs rather than something about me.
Starting to believe something healthier about myself has led me to seek confirmation of the new and improved beliefs. And this has cascaded into my choosing to limit or altogether eliminate my time spent with people who continue to insist on contradicting my new healthy beliefs about myself.

Luckily for me, that boyfriend that she tried to scare off ignored her warnings, and we have now been married for almost 7 years. And the sister? Unfortunately, her presence in my life ended up not being compatible with my new belief system. If ever she should be fortunate enough to transform her own beliefs about herself and show up on my doorstep, I will be happy to let her in. Until then, I am moving forward confidently secure in what I know is true about me.

I now know that how my interactions and relationships blossom will be directly related to the quality of the soil in which I am planting.