When you are feeling frustrated with life, you probably start chatting with people about it, perhaps searching the internet for ideas to help you solve your problems And people are more than happy to give lots of advice, usually in the form of “just do this” or “just do that” – organize, meditate, journal, eat organic food, do yoga, exercise – you name it, people have likely told you to do it.
I have even been that person – assuming that what worked for me will work for everyone! It’s not wrong that people want to shout their solutions from the rooftops – they want to share with others what worked for them.
But there is a problem. You are not them.
You are unique.
You have to solve your own problems – but you don’t have any idea where to start.
I would like to empower you to do just that – I would like to empower you to solve your own problem.
“What?”, you say? “I can’t do that!”
But what if you can?
Behind every single problem is a negative message you are telling yourself. The key is to identify what that message is – once you do that, you have the power to FLIP THE SCRIPT!
You can then start to shift things in your life by doing the following:
- Identify the message.
- Examine and rethink the message.
- Design an experiment to see if you can disprove the message.
Identify the message
Identifying the messages isn’t hard. Some people think they have no bad internal messages. (I don’t believe it.) Some people say that all they have are bad internal messages, so they give up. Yes, it can be a little daunting (and maybe embarrassing) to identify them. Just start with one. You usually won’t have to look far – they are usually right there under the surface.
If you feel stuck, one idea is to carry a little notepad with you through the day and jot down the negative things you tell yourself. It’s usually easiest to identify them when something has gone wrong for you – when a problem arises. That is when the messages tend to rear their ugly heads.
Example: In my early 20’s, I was very sensitive to being corrected. When I thought someone was correcting me, even if I knew they were right (maybe especially if I knew they were right), I would defend myself fiercely. I noticed that the underlying belief was that I needed to be perfect to be accepted and I was not perfect.
Examine and Rethink the Message
Once you have identified a message, you can start to work with it, to challenge it, to see if it is actually true (hint: it probably isn’t).
Just by examining the message – preferably in writing, with a trusted friend – you can start to doubt it, dismantle it. You consider its source and how it has affected (and continues to affect) your life. You can then try on the opposite message to see how that feels (it will likely feel foreign and wrong at first). You can then start to understand why you have chosen to continue to believe that message. And finally you can consider that there might be a different message that might be more true about you.
In the example: I decided to recognize that this was what was going on. I know that I had grown up in a house where I didn’t feel accepted just as I was. I must have then deduced that if I were perfect, then I would be accepted. I then strove for perfection.
In the example, the opposite message would be that I will be accepted even if I am imperfect.
Design an Experiment
Now the fun part! We get to design an experiment that will test out the old and/or the new beliefs.
In the example of believing that I needed to be perfect to be accepted, I decided to try being imperfect to see if the connection I was looking for would be lost. I decided to agree with the next person that I thought was correcting or insulting me and then just pay attention to what happened. It was pretty amazing – in the end, my lowering my defenses and admitting my imperfections ended up creating more connection in my life. Who would have guessed?
This is just a brief overview of the process I use to dismantle beliefs. Identifying each message and flipping it around and dismantling it can be a slow process. You have effectively been cementing in these beliefs for a lifetime. But it can be done. It is EXTREMELY rewarding and has the potential to change your life.
So many of us are ping-ponging from one thing to another trying to find the magic fix, but all of the catch-all fixes we can find are superficial Band-Aids. They just usually don’t get at the root of the problem, so even if things get better for a while, it is short-lived. Or maybe we got the idea from somebody else that found a magic cure for your struggle. Then we are disappointed when it doesn’t work. Often then we will resort to coping strategies to try and cover up the discomfort we feel all of the time.
Keep in mind, though, that your problems are as unique as you are, and so are your negative internal messages. You can be trusted and you are capable of finding solutions to your own problems. The process can be challenging, but it is also life-changing and even FUN!
